


Red Dusk

by SilenceNorth



Series: Red Series [2]
Category: Horizon: Zero Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, I LOVE SMUT, Oral Sex, PTSD, Pregnancy, Slow Burn, Smut, mentioned rape, smut means porn, smut smut smut, tags will change, there's porn in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2018-12-13 12:24:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11759829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilenceNorth/pseuds/SilenceNorth
Summary: Aloy/Helis is only mentioned in this fic. (PSYCH! I lied.)Aloy has a lot to think about, and a long way to recover after what has happened. She seeks sanctuary in Meridian, where friendly faces and helping hands offer relief, but she struggles to keep her nightmares to herself.





	1. Settling In

It was slow travel for her and Sylens, with how often she was sick. There was a sort of unspoken agreement between the two of them that they wouldn’t talk about just what was making her sick, that Sylens would find her the herbs she needed to quell the vomiting long enough for her to get back on the road. When she had to, she walked the Strider, keeping the slow rolling motion of its gait from making her nauseas further.

Their dialog was skimpy  at best, but he did try filling the gaps with a song he knew, one that was deeply rooted in Banuk phrasing but pleasant to hear nonetheless. Aloy found that she could sleep sitting on the Strider as Sylens’ voice echoed around her. It was such a reprieve from where she had been for the last two months. Even the breeze felt good on her face, the movement of air something she never realized she missed.

When they could see Meridian in the distance, Aloy knew she’d seen the last of Sylens, at least for a long while. He still had a quest to complete. He pulled his Strider up beside her, reaching out to pat her on the shoulder.

“Till we meet a-…”

He stopped talking when she cringed away from his touch, instantly feeling nauseas. She had to look away from him to keep her stomach settled. “Goodbye, Sylens, and good luck.”

He lingered for another long moment. “And good luck with you.” She’d need it.

She waited until she heard the sound of his Strider disappearing over the mesa, then turned her eyes towards Meridian. She took a deep breath before urged the machine towards the city.

 

She hopped off of the Strider before the bridge past Bright Market, leaving the machine there as she passed the threshold into the city. The sounds had begun to make her nervous and she felt like she hadn’t seen so many colors or moving people in years. It struck her just as violently as the first time she’d seen it, so she kept her eyes to the ground.

Why was she here? Of all places, why did she feel this was where she needed to come back, to seek solace after what had happened? This couldn’t possibly her sanctuary.

And yet here she was. Who did someone turn to for advice? A friend, likely, but Aloy had no friends. Only allies. She would need to work alone in this.

The sun was slowly setting by the time she got to the Apothecary’s, stepping into the doorway. The women behind the counter was closing shop, but paused when she saw the Nora. A forced smile broke across the wrinkled face. Looks like she would be late for dinner.

Aloy wasn’t sure how to handle this sort of interaction. “I… was wondering if you could help me.”

“My dear, if I had a shard for every time someone came in asking that question, I would need to help no one for the rest of my life.” The short woman hustled from behind the counter, putting hands darkened with some sort of herbal stain into her sleeves. “What seems to be the problem? You have a headache? Everyone gets headaches here. No one drinks nearly enough water.” She tut-tutted as she turned to rifle through a box of packages nearby.

“No, I…” Aloy sighed, deciding then to play dumb. “I’ve been very sick in the mornings. I need something for my stomach.”

The apothecary looked at her, brow raised. “Sick in the mornings? For how long?”

“A… a week?” Aloy offered.

The woman stepped back, reappraising the Nora. “I see. At first glance I thought you to be too young for marriage.”

Aloy felt her face heat. “I am not married. I… just need something. Please.”

The woman pursed her lips. “Ten shards to stop the sickness. Fifty to stop the baby.”

Hearing it aloud, Aloy felt the breath torn from her chest. She could only stare openly at the woman, as if she’d grown a new head. 

The apothecary looked impatient, crossing her arms. When Aloy didn’t look like she was going to remember how to speak anytime soon, the woman grabbed a small package of herbs from nearby. “Here. You make a tea with this, it will stop the nausea. Give you time to think. When you’re ready, you come back to me.”

Aloy’s trembling fingers produced the shards the woman required, and in the next moment she found herself hustled from the closing shop, standing outside amid the dust of the street as people milled about, ignorant to her inner turmoil.

Suddenly, she felt very tired. Checking her bag for the shards Sylens had given her, she found she had just enough for one of the more secure inns, one in which no one was likely to bother her. She just wanted to sleep.

Thankfully, no one else asked questions other than if she wanted food sent to her room, which Aloy politely declined. The thought of food made her stomach roil, but she did ask for hot water to be sent to make her tea.

Sitting on the bed in her room, Aloy carefully read the instructions that came in the packet of powdered herbs, still finding the tea quite bitter despite only using a small amount. She choked it down, however, knowing that she would need to eat, and the nausea would be the end of her if she didn’t.

For a long time she rested on her back in the bed, limbs splayed, waiting for the medicine to work. She had no idea when it was that the sickness ebbed and she fell into a deep, thankfully dreamless sleep.

 

When she finally came back to her senses, she could only blink groggily at the medicine packet, flipping it over to read about the dangers of climbing or operating heavy weaponry while taking it. She could see why. Her mouth felt like paper and she smacked her lips once or twice to feel less like a corpse, slipping out of bed. She paused, waiting for the wave of nausea, but none came.

For the first time in what felt like years, she smiled, relief flooding her. Sylens had freed her from the Helis’s prison, but the apothecary had freed her from the shackles of her own body. Feeling refreshed, she changed clothes and opened the door to get some food.

When she hit the main floor of the inn, she saw it was packed. Most of the Vanguard seemed to be there, celebrating something. Perhaps the ends of their shifts. Aloy smiled a little stiffly as she squeezed between the bodies around her, coming up to the desk to ask for a plate of whatever she smelled cooking.

“Aloy?”

The voice sounded so familiar it almost confused her. Who did she knew that would be that happy to see her? It certainly wasn’t Teb. She whirled to find herself face to face with the Captain of the Vanguard, Erend. Suddenly the memories of everything they’d been through together seemed to crash back to the forefront of her mind, and she gasped in spite of herself. It seemed so long ago.

The man’s grin faded somewhat. “What? Is my beard on fire again?” he asked, gingerly patting at his chin.

Aloy couldn’t help but smile. Tears pricked at the corner of her eyes, but she swallowed them down. “No. Not at all.Just happy to be back.”

“It’s great to see you! Can I buy you a drink?” His heavy hand patted the desk in front of the kitchen, and the cook emerged to see to them.

“Water, please. And dinner.”

“Dinner!Wow, you Nora do move fast,” Erend teased. He leaned casually on the counter, a fist on his hip, but Aloy could see he’d already been drinking. That was his thing. She killed machines, Erend drank. “So what brings you back to Meridian? Besides needing to see me again, of course.”

Aloy rolled her eyes, but the man’s attitude was a fresh breath of air after so much Sylens. And before that…

She felt his hand on her shoulder and a shudder went through her as she ripped herself away.

“No! Stay back!” She yelled, sending the whole establishment into shocked, hushed tones. Erend looked like she’d slapped him, holding up both hands innocently.

“Aloy… I’m sorry! I was just asking where your little trinket went. I don’t see it. I never thought you took it off.”

Aloy stared at him, wide eyed, her hand going to her temple. She hadn’t reached for her focus since it’d been crushed directly after her capture. She suddenly missed the familiar pressure of it against her temple, and her eyes unfocused. “I… lost it.”

Erend’s brow raised. “Lost it. Right.”

The cook had her bowl of food and mug of water before she had to explain, as well as a refill for Erend, which was a sure bet in taking his attention off of anything. He toasted Aloy and threw the drink back easily. She was relieved to see her outburst hadn’t offended him, wondering at just what she was afraid of exactly.

Erend was certainly nothing like Helis, save for his size. Why did she feel so jumpy around him? Around Sylens? They’d only ever been decent to her.

Gritting her teeth, Aloy reached out and put a hand on Erend arm as he told some story she hadn’t been able to follow, not with the way he was slurring. She forced herself to leave it there for a moment, even as he paused in his speaking, surprised, and then smiled at her. See, she told herself. It wasn’t bad. Nothing bad was going to happen. She was safe here.

She withdrew her hand and focused on eating, doing it carefully just in case she would be hit with her nausea later. She tried her best to listen to Erend’s story, but it involved people she didn’t know, so she could only smile and nod at him. He seemed to realize after a while that she was just humoring him, however, so he quieted and watched her eat for a while.

“You never told me what you’ve been up to these past few months,” he nudged, resting his cheek almost sleepily on his fist.

She looked up at him, unsure of how much she wanted to share. “I… was captured and held at Sunfall,” she relented, pushing her plate away.

His face fell. “What? Shit Aloy, are you alright? I mean, I assume the guys at Sunfall aren’t. I know you can take care of yourself but…” he gestured to his temple. “Is that how they got you? They took your… Focus thing?”

She swallowed. “Something like that.”

“How did you get free?”

“A friend of mine broke me out. We escaped.” She attempted a little smile for him, but she knew something about her had changed visibly. She felt tired, run down, with nowhere to turn. She knew he could see it in her face, so she excused herself as she stood. “I feel like a walk. Need to clear my head.”

Erend blinked at her. “But it’s past eight. You can’t go for a walk in the dark.”

“What?” She snapped at him suddenly. “You’re saying I’m not allowed to _walk_?”

He had that stricken look on his face again, and she immediately regretted her tone. He sat straight in his chair. “I just… thought maybe you’d want company. So that you weren’t alone in the streets. No one would mess with you if you were with a Vanguard.”

Being alone was the whole point. Didn’t he understand? “Nevermind,” she brushed off his concern. “Perhaps I’ll just go to bed.”

“You’re staying here?” Erend asked, a little taken aback. “Hell, Avad would probably let you stay at the palace if you asked. Olin’s place is…”

He didn’t get a chance to finish before she turned her back on him, heading for the stairs. She knew he’d be watching, so she went back to her room and locked the door. Grabbing her knife and strapping it to her waist, she threw open the shutters to her room, taking a deep breath of the night air before stepping out onto the still-hot adobe of the roof beneath her window, dropping down to a box that let her descend easily to the street.

The lack of people milling about was a relief, and she decided that Meridian was beautiful at night. Lanterns lit the market stalls that were still open, offering nighttime treats and coffee, and the smell of flavored tobacco hung like dainty flowers in the air. It was warm but very dry, comfortable, and as she walked the breeze picked up and seemed to wash the streets from the daytime chaos. A troop of dancers performed in the corner of the main mezzanine, undulating to the low thrum of a flute instrument and the beating of small drums.

This was the Meridian she had come back to. It was the total opposite of the Embrace and anything to do with the Nora. Still, she looked like a Nora, so she received the hushed whispers and glances that any outsider got. She took it in stride, but it had her thinking. Why not fit in a little better? She checked the sky, noting that it wasn't terribly late just yet, and turned her feet towards the palace.

The guards were hesitant to let her through, but when they summoned Blameless Marad, he saw her quickly though and sent someone to rouse the Sun King.

"My sources told me you've had a very difficult last few months," the advisor told her as he seated her on one of the luxurious couches on the balcony. He moved to pour her wine, which she waved off.

"Is that so? I don't suppose any of your sources had thought to perhaps lift a finger to help me?" she said, bitterly. He looked a little stricken.

"After the fact, my dear. As always, you prove yourself resourceful and infallible. May I get you some tea? Have you eaten?" Again, she waved him off, not entirely sorry for her own tone. Not as she was with Erend.

Avad took his time meeting her, and it was apparent as to why. Either he slept in his gossamer finery or he had gone out of his way to dress up for her audience. Despite her exasperation, his face was a welcome sight, and she smiled as she stood.

Avad greeted her with arms wide, and for an ice-cold moment, Aloy thought perhaps he'd try to hug her. But at the last second he brought both hands to grasp one of hers. "I was so worried when I heard what happened," Avad told her, his forehead creased with concern over his dark eyes. "I'm giddy to see you safe. Thank you for thinking to come and see me." He gestured for her to sit, voice humble if his garments were not.

When she settled back down, she laced her fingers near her knee. "It's good to see you, Avad."

He was looking at the blank space next to her ear, as if unable to figure out just what was different about her. "The feeling is mutual, Aloy. Is there anything I can do for you?"

She nodded, and he looked almost excited that she needed him for something. "I have decided to stay."

Avad took in a deep breath, his eyes merry, but his lack of words indicated that he knew there were conditions.

"But... it's because I have to, not because I want to. Something has... come up. I need a place to settle down for a little while, catch my breath."

Avad raised his arms in a shrug. "Naturally! You've had a very difficult time, Aloy. I'm so honored that you have chosen my great city in which to recuperate. I will see to it that you have everything you need." He gestured to Blameless Marad to get writing tools. "May I ask as to why you won't be returning to your people?"

"They are not my people. I may dress like a Nora, I may have grown up in their lands, but they are as much strangers to me as the Carja, or the Oseram. In all honestly, I've been treated more fairly here than I have ever in the East."

Avad's smile broke out across his handsome face. "I'm thrilled to hear that, Aloy. I am glad my people treat you fairly, as they should. It would be my honor to name you as a resident. I would invite you to be my personal guest, here at the palace."

His smile faltered as she looked away. "I think I'd rather live in the city," she admitted. "The palace is... a little much for me."

Avad heaved a sigh, but it was accepting. "Still breaking my heart," he said in a tease. "Please accept Olin's residence as your own. I will assign you a guard, he will see you have everything..."

Aloy held up her hand, shaking her head vigorously.

Avad frowned again. "You can't expect...."

"Privacy. I just expect privacy. Is that so much to ask?" When he looked at her blankly, she went on. "Look, all my life it's just been myself and my... my father, Rost. The past few months I've been in little more than a cage, seeing the same face every day, a face I hated. Please try to understand, Avad. I just want to go where I want to, where I need to, without being watched or followed or guarded or told what to do. Otherwise, I may have to return east after all."

Avad was already shaking his head, then bowed it. "Forgive me, Aloy. Again, I speak out of line. I only ask that you not hesitate to tell me if you need anything."

She thought for a moment. "Clothes. I think I'd like to try and fit in a bit better. Would that be alright."

The King's grin spread across his face. "You're welcome to anything we have here. If you like, I will take you personally to the markets tomorrow and see you have everything you need."

She felt the twinge of a smile. "I.. think I'd like that."

"It's a date then! I shall meet you for lunch at Olin's, and we will make a day of it. It will be the perfect thing to  get your mind off of your troubles." He stood, then hesitated. "I... hope you understand my own need of a personal guard during the matter? Erend will be a ghost, I promise."

At the mention of his name, Aloy felt a twinge of guilt for having left him the way she did. She stood as the King did, feeling the slightest twinge in her belly. She would need more of that tea. "Somehow I doubt Erend could possibly go anywhere unnoticed."

Avad smiled knowingly. "Too true. Tomorrow then, Huntress." He bowed majestically and left to return to his quarters. She stood, slightly baffled at the time he took to get ready for such a short, casual meeting. She wondered how long it would take him for a day at the markets.

When she returned to the Inn, she passed Olin's place, ducking inside to take a look around. It was as she remembered it, although the hatch beneath the rug had been replaced with a proper door, making access to the basement easy should it be needed for storage. It seemed years ago when her and Erend had searched the place for evidence of Olin's treachery. Another lifetime.

She considered taking the acrobatic route to her room, but she saw someone had shut the window, so had to once more traipse through the dinner hall to get to the stairs. The Vanguard were nowhere to be seen, and she was somewhat thankful she wouldn't have to stop and talk, though she knew she owed Erend an apology. He'd only ever tried to help her.

She bolted the door to her room and made another pot of tea, which she drank while reading the instructions over and over until they blurred, and she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep with the packet of herbs still in her hands.


	2. Fake Smiles

               She almost slept right past noon. When she finally dragged herself out of the pile of drool, she panicked when she saw the position of the sun. Quickly, she dragged on some basics, not wanting to bother too much with the heavy stuff. It would be hot, she knew.

               She was gathering her hair atop her head, realizing how badly she needed a bath, when she came to the main room of the inn and everyone was staring. Not at her, of course, but because the Sun King was sitting in the center of the room enjoying a drink as if he did it every day, and that the crowds should just carry on with their lives as if he was one of them.

               Erend saw her first and nudged the King, who turned a brilliant smile her way. Aloy realized that she'd judged him unfairly: he was in a subdued if regal vest and soft, billowy pants gathered tight above his sandals. His headpiece was a toned-down version of what he normally wore in the palace, showing off dark curls rarely seen.

               Aloy's eyes moved to Erend, who stood as the King did, looking strapping in his armor. As usual, Aloy thought. She glanced briefly at the hammer he kept on his back and was sure there would be no trouble for them.

               "Hey," she said, suddenly a little embarrassed by her own appearance.

               "Are you ready, or would you like something to eat?" Avad offered.

               "I'll get something on the way. I have a few shards, some of the fruit out there looks fantastic."

               Avad offered her his arm, and Aloy swallowed hard before she hesitantly took it. He escorted her out of the inn while the others stared, confused and whispering. Erend's glance had them turning away, however, as the Vanguardsman fell in behind the pair. He didn't mention the night before to her, and indeed kept his thoughts to himself as Avad gave Aloy a short tour of the Market Square.

               When they passed the Apothecary's, the healer was outside sweeping her porch. The look she gave Aloy as the trio passed was suddenly understanding. No! Aloy thought. It's not at all what you think. But the huntress bit back her words and refused to look over, tightening her grip on Avad's arm.

               "Ah, here," he suggested, bringing her to a shop that didn't seem to have anything for sale, and in fact Aloy thought it was a residence. Avad was expected, it seemed, because the door opened and a lavishly dressed young woman welcomed them inside. Erend posted guard outside the door, but their hostess dragged him inside and shut the door behind him.

               "The last thing I need is a brute on my doorstep scaring off my customers. Avad, my darling," the two of them embraced and kissed eachother's cheeks. "What can I do for my king?"

               Aloy's mouth was a little agape. The inside of the building was indeed a showcase for finery in all styles, from the simple to the grotesquely extra. Aloy wandered away from the others, caught up in the sparkles and gleaming fabrics. She traced her hand over one of the dresses.

               Avad was watching her fondly. "My friend needs a new wardrobe. What have you got for us, Lila?"

               "Your friend. Ah yes! The great Norn huntress, Aloy." Lila sidled up to Aloy and pursed her lips, looking her up and down. "I think I have just the thing. Come with me, darling." She looped her arm into Aloy's and went to pull her away. She went a little unwillingly, glancing over her shoulder towards the two men waiting for her return.

               "You're Avad's seamstress?" she asked, finally, when Lila dragged her into a room with more mirrors than Aloy had ever seen in her life in one place. She suddenly felt terribly filthy, gawking at her hair in the mirror.

               "I'm everyone's seamstress, darling. Anyone who can afford me. And don't worry. I don't gossip. Please disrobe."

               She left Aloy standing there, wondering just what sort of comment that was. She slowly peeled off her old clothing, wishing there weren't so many mirrors. She could see every bruise, every flaw, and when she finally stood in her underwear, the most painful change of all. Her hand caressed the subtle bump beneath her navel, frowning deeply. Her eyes stung.

               Lila didn't comment on Aloy's appearance, or the look on her face. She was professional to the core as she took the huntresses measurements, humming as she jotted down some notes.

               "It will be a few weeks before I can alter anything for you, dear, but until then I think I have some things you might like."

               Aloy gulped. Surely she wasn't going to try and wear one of the pieces of art displayed outside. Any of them were worth more shards than she'd ever collected, and one wrong move would mean a tear in the intricate decorations or a stain at a perfectly tailored hem.

               "What do you think?" Lila asked, brandishing an outfit draped over her arm. Soft, pale suede and breathing cotton met her fingertips, and there wasn't a stitch of frivolity to be seen. Aloy admired the way it seemed made for her, light green and subtle goldenrod edges that reminded her of sunlight in a grove.

               "I'm not going to hold it all day," Lila huffed, and Aloy immediately took it. The seamstress helped her dress. "There. Now when your belly gets bigger you come back to me, and I've a few tricks to show you."

               Aloy's face turned beet red, and Lila just tutted and patted her shoulder.

               "Now let's go show the king so I can get paid, yes?"

               Lila scooped up a few other outfits packed in boxes and led the way back to the main room, moving right towards Erend to dump the packages into his arms. "I'll have her clothes washed and sent back with the new things. Olin's you said?"

               Aloy stepped carefully from the doorway, fingertips rubbing together anxiously with a swatch of her skirt between them, as if the softness of the fabric could make her feel more at ease. The vest she wore reminded her of Nil's, but brought together in the front with lacing. It showed off her midriff to her navel, something she didn't mind for now, but could prove a little much as she grew.

               Avad applauded approvingly. "Beautiful, as usual, Lila. I'll be happy to sign anything you need." Lila grabbed him and his promise of payment, snapping him up like a trap and pulling him towards a pedestal, where her paperwork was already begun.

               Aloy watched them go, then walked to Erend. He was staring at her openly. "You look good," he told her with a small smile.

               She didn't want compliments, not when she owed him an apology. "Look," she said, not lifting her gaze from his chin. "I shouldn't have talked to you like that at the inn last night. You were just trying to help and I was sort of a bitch."

               Erend shifted the baggage to his other arm, tucking it under his bicep as he chuckled. "Yeah, you kind of were," he admitted. "I figured you were just tired."

               She opened her mouth to object, the hurt boiling up inside of her, needing release. But then she clipped her teeth shut. Why would he ever want to hear her problems? They weren't his, and she'd just apologized for treating him badly. Now she wanted to unload her troubles as if they were more luggage for him to hold? "Yeah." She nodded assertively. "Yeah. Still pretty tired, but I think... I'm getting better."

               Erend offered her a small smile, nodding. "Avad told me you planned to stay here. I woulda offered to post at Olin's for ya, but he said you didn't want anything like that. Say the word and I'll make sure no one knocks on your door till you're ready. Well. 'Cept the King, I guess."

               She lifted her eyes to him, saw the sincerity there. Why was he like this? Was there anything she could say to make him do anything but look at her that way? She hoped she never had to find out. That look was the only sure thing in her life right now, and she didn't even deserve it. He didn't know. She twisted away. "Yeah, sure," she told him, noncommittally, trying not to sound as harsh as she felt.

               After everything was bought and paid for, Avad and Erend escorted her back to Olin's. When Erend opened the door to let her through, she gasped to see that a large tub had been set up in the main room, steaming with hot water.

               "I thought I'd take the liberty of having it set up for you," Avad explained with a wide smile.

               Shock at the sight of the white porcelain and the smell of soap had her nearly dropped to her knees. Her hand went to her neck, where Sylens had worked for hours to remove the collar Helis had put around it. _It's for you, girl,_ she could almost hear his voice. _Get in_.

               "Get it out of here," she wailed, turning away from the tub.

               Avad straightened in shock. "But I thought..."

               Erend was already moving, dumping her things on the couch. He didn't need any explanation, only the look on her face. With a grunt, he hefted the side of the tub up towards the drain the floor, splashing the contents into oblivion. Without another word, he dragged the tub past them and out the door, sparing only a quick glance in their direction as he closed it behind him.

               Aloy let out a harsh breath. "I'm so sorry. Sorry Avad."

               He could only stare at her, monumentally confused. "It's... alright, Aloy. I didn't mean offense. But you're right, I took liberties I shouldn't have... this is your home now and I should respect your privacy."

               Aloy swiped the back of her fist across her eyes, looking up at the Sun King as he attempted to smile. Another innocent friend trying to make her happy, she knew. And she was throwing it back into his face.

               "Helis..."

               The Sun King quickly held up a hand. "Not until you're ready, Aloy. You shouldn't have to relive a moment of what happened to you, I understand."

               She suddenly wanted to hug him, but the thought of having her body pressed against someone else's made her a little sick. "You're a wonderful friend, Avad. Thank you."

               His smile faltered just briefly, pity in his eyes. She had only ever seen pity before in the eyes of Nora who weren't allowed to speak to her. She hated it. "Then as a friend, believe me when I tell you this. You stink, Aloy of the Nora."

               She couldn't help but emit a desperate little laugh at his accusation. "Yeah... you're right. Even with my new clothes. I think maybe just a few buckets of water will do. Thank you Avad."

               He nodded. "I'll send for them right away, along with your things from the Inn. If... that's alright with you." When she hummed her consent, his lips tightened in a forced smile. "You're safe now, Aloy. No one is going to hurt you here. You have my word."

               She took a deep breath, wondering if his word would banish her nightmares. She gave a quick nod.

               "Will you join me for dinner tomorrow at the palace?" he wondered.

               She thought about it for a moment. Suddenly Erend's suggestion that she take all the time she needed sounded too good to ignore. She was already exhausted by the exposure of clothes shopping. "No," she admitted. "Not tomorrow. But maybe soon."

               He seemed cheered by the idea, bowing his head in a polite nod of farewell before slipping out the door after Erend.

               In the silence of the room, she breathed a sigh of relief, her tears flooding her eyes.

               It wasn't long before a knock at the door roused her from her wallowing on the couch, and she wiped her eyes quickly before she answered the door. Erend was there, two steaming buckets of water at his feet and her things in his arms. How had he possibly carried all of it at once?

               "Avad paid for your room over there already, so there's no..." Erend frowned when he saw her face, and she knew her eyes were red and puffy. "Aloy..."

               "Don't. Could you please.... put them by the fireplace?" She requested, her voice soft as she opened the door to let him through. He tucked her pack beneath his arm and picked up both buckets with one hand, doing as she requested.

               He set her things nearby, and lifted the packet of herbs she'd gotten from the Apothecary's. "I wasn't sure if this was-"

               She snatched it from him, gaping at him with shock. She'd almost forgotten. From the look on his face, however, she could tell he had no idea what it was for, but wasn't willing to inquire. It was becoming painfully obvious he was getting quickly used to her attitude.

               "I'll leave you to it," he said quickly, ducking out the front door before she had time to stop him.

               Her heart was breaking, on top of everything else. She just wanted to be left alone.

               Sitting in front of the fireplace, she bathed with the water from the buckets and a cloth that had been given her. When she stuffed her hair into one of the buckets and scrubbed it, she already began to feel better.

               Letting herself dry she padded to the kitchenette to find it well-stocked, helping herself to some dinner before she made hot water in the fireplace kettle.

               Her mind was a blank as she measured the remainder of the medicine into the hot water. She would need more come tomorrow, if her nausea was kept up. Fifty shards to stop the baby, the woman's voice echoed in her head. The creature growing within her was Helis's of course, but it was also part of her. Part of Elisabet. Did she have a right to condemn it with the sins of its father before it ever saw the world?

Thankfully, she didn't have long to think on it before the medicine took her, and she slept nestled among the familiar scent of her pack and clothes on the couch, her hair loose and spread out like a freshly dyed and drying silk rug.

 

 

_The pressure upon her was dizzying, the hand on her throat closed completely around it as if she were a doll being moved carelessly from one shelf to the next. Her thighs ached, shivered with worn muscle as they were braced open, wide around his hips as he moved over her. She felt sticky and damp, hot and smothered, every breath she was able to gain forced from her by the thickness stabbing into her body, bruising her deeply._

_She could only linger on the half-consciousness he allowed her, her eyes slitting open every few seconds to make sense of where she was, if not who she was. She knew the routine, wondered how long it would take this time before Helis finished, and hoping and praying that it would be the last time for the night. When he finally came, he bit hard into her bottom lip, drawing blood, sending a fresh jolt of pain through her._

She sat up with a start, shaking. Tasting copper, her tongue licked at the mark she'd bitten into her own lip before she opened her mouth to pant. Her head throbbed, her eyes sticky. How long had she slept? Sunlight streamed in through the window above where she was wrapped around her things and a blanket on the couch, where she'd fallen asleep. Her stomach lurched, and she barely had time to grab one of the buckets before dry heaving into it. She needed her tea, her tea and food.

                When she got ready and opened the door, she nearly tripped over Erend, who'd been perched on the stairway with his back to the awning. He got up quickly.

                "Erend!" she said, surprised and a little annoyed. "What are you doing here?"

                He looked at her, brow raised. "My job."

                "I told Avad-"

                "Not as Vanguard. As a friend. Avad didn't tell me to be here. He didn't have to."

                She could only stare at him, blinking. "How... long have you been here?"

                "Since I brought you your things from the Inn, two days ago."

                She gaped. "Two days," she moaned, covering her face with a hand.

                Erend shrugged. "Avad came to see you once or twice, and we knocked, but we figured you needed the rest so he told me to let him know when you were up." At the look on her face, however, his lips tugged in a smile. "Or... maybe I don't."

                She breathed a sigh of relief. "Look... I gotta go do something really quick. Can you just stay here for a little while? I'll be back." Why did she care if he remained? Was she really ready to talk? To unload the weight of her fears? Perhaps the walk will help her decide.

                He nodded. "I'll be here."

 

                The Apothecary wasn't surprised to see her. "Are you ready?" the old woman rasped, smiling knowingly.

                "I'm ready," Aloy whispered, handing over the fifty shards.

                This powder wasn't prepared, so the woman spent some time grinding together the herbs she needed. "It will hurt," she told Aloy. "But not as much as it could. You will recover, you're young and strong." Aloy tried not to let the words make her wince. What was she doing?

                "Here. Green for the nausea. Red for the end. Make it the same way." Two packets, full of medicine, and a gnarled hand patting her arm. "All will be well in the end."

 

                Erend was where she'd left him, and with her head lost in thought, she'd almost forgotten she'd asked him to stay. He'd brought more buckets for her, and she knew she probably once more needed washing, especially if sleep made her as sweaty as running in the heat.

                He said nothing as she opened the door and let him in, hoping he couldn't smell that she'd been sick only a few hours earlier. She stashed the red packet away in her pack as she set about making her tea, and Erend lingered near the door.

                "Sit down," she told him, which he did immediately on the couch she'd slept on. He knew what this was about, the slight anxiousness on his face barely masked by his curiosity.

                Sitting next to him, she angled herself towards him, to meet his eyes. "Erend," she took a deep breath. He waited expectantly, his open expression encouraging.

                She couldn't do it. The words froze on her lips. 

                For a long time she only looked at him, her mouth forming words that didn't exist. Finally. "Thank you. For everything."

                He looked surprised. "It's nothing, Aloy. If anything, I owe you, right? I just wish... I mean..." He swiped a hand over his face. "Something is hurting you and it's something I can't punch or kick over. And that bothers me."

                He made her smile, her face stinging a little with the expression that was so rare lately. The muscles in her cheeks seemed to protest their use. "No. You can't," she admitted just as tears began to well in her eyes. She felt so lost. Suddenly she longed for Rost, the way he knew what to do no matter what, his wise words there to guide her on the right path. But he was gone. Killed by the very man who haunted her nightmares.

                She didn't realize how heavily the tears were streaming down her cheeks until she felt Erend's hand on hers, a hesitant gesture that half expected her to jump back like a surprised animal. But no, there was no shock there, no sudden memory it sparked. It was a simple, kind touch, something she so truly needed right now.

                When she moved towards him, he was already preparing to take her against him, and she collapsed against his wide chest, shaking with silent sobs. He was just as silent as he held her gingerly, letting her wet his orange scarf with her tears. It wasn't the first time she'd cried since Sylens had liberated her, but it was so different to be doing it in someone else's arms. She felt like she could delve deep into the poison within her and pump it out through her tears, emptying herself of it even briefly.

                She didn't know how long she forced her sorrow upon him, but finally she broke away to breathe, her eyes hot and sticky and her nose stuffed with her tears. Erend was pulling off his scarf. "Here," he offered, his voice deep as he folded it to press the cloth in her fingers, drawing her hand up to her face to help her wipe her eyes and nose.

                "Can... we pretend that didn't happen?" she choked, suddenly profoundly worried about what she'd done to their relationship, however tedious it might be. She had treated Erend and Avad like shit, then ruined Erend's scarf with her tears and snot. What was next? Was she to throw up all over Avad's dinnertable? She was a real piece of work.

                "As far as everyone else is concerned, sure," Erend said, watching her. "But that's not good enough, Aloy. I can't help you if you won't tell me."

                She laughed almost bitterly. "There's nothing you can do, Erend. And there's nothing I have to tell you."

                She could see him swallow harshly, and her heart broke. Not again. When he got up, she reached for his back, but he slipped through her fingers and he headed towards the door. "You're right," he admitted reluctantly. "Keep the scarf." He slipped through the entrance, leaving her to her own self-pity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Avad. Poor Erend. Poor Aloy.
> 
> Stick with me folks.


	3. Breaking Fasts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is a little shorter than the others. I had soo much homework.

Aloy spent the next night and day on the couch, drifting between sleep and nightmares. Whenever she woke, she would start to get up, but then she would remember the red packet in her bag and the terror of its presence had her curling back up to sleep. She'd never even been upstairs, her world reduced to the couch and her occasional trips to the bathroom or the kitchen. The buckets Erend had brought cooled to room temperature and she continued to avoid the water, afraid to see her reflection.

                She knew she had to make a decision and soon. This would get her nowhere, and she was only hurting herself by staying in one place, forgoing food, drowning in her depression. Her muscles ached from misuse and her eyes stung from the sun blazing in through the window.

                That night, she decided to get up. She washed her face thoroughly, emitting a harsh sigh into the water as she attempted to rearrange her hair, trying to make the reflection into someone she recognized. She rested a hand on her belly. At least she wasn't terribly noticeable. She would not have complained for a little extra layer of fat to hide the bump, but as she was, those who knew her could tell she was different. She could tell.

                She opened the front door to get a breath of air.

                "Oh for Gaia's sake, Erend."

                He had snorted awake as the door opened, falling back slightly onto his hands before pushing himself to his feet with a stretch of sore muscles. "By the sun, I thought you might have died in there," he said half jokingly.

                She rolled her eyes. "Erend, you can't sleep on my doorstep."

                "Why not?"

                "Because it's MY doorstep. Gaia, just get in here." She tugged him in and shut the door behind him. "Look, if you insist on doing this, take the couch. The big one. The other one's... messy."

                Erend looked grateful as he made himself at home on the couch. She wondered how often he had used that particular couch while he and Olin were friends. She realized he'd probably been in this house more than she ever had.

                "You're going to go outside tomorrow," he said suddenly as she gathered her things to go upstairs.

                "What? I don't need to-"

                "Yes you do. No more playing around. You're coming with me on a patrol."

                She slumped onto the couch, crossing her arms over her chest. "No," she said flatly.

                "Avad bought you all those clothes and you're still wearing the same thing I saw you in five days ago. You're rotting in here. I can smell it."

                "Let me rot then."

                Erend emitted a groan of disgust. "You sound like me when I first heard Ersa was ambushed. All I wanted to do was drink and hope the ground swallowed me up. Half of me wanted to walk out into the desert and hope to catch the eye of a Rockbreaker. But then something happened that changed it all."

                She decided to humor him. "And what was that," she asked stubbornly.

                He looked at her, frustrated, as if he didn't really need to say. "You gave me a minute of your time."

                She looked at him for a long moment, then shook her head with a sigh. "What am I going to do with you, Vanguardsman?"

                "Talk to me."

                "Every time I do, I say the wrong thing."

                "What are you so afraid of? Me running away from you?"

                She could hear him getting up from his couch to join her on hers. He tried to reach out to tuck away a lock of hair that had curtained over her face. She flinched away from him, and he put his hands on his lap, looking at her expectantly.

                "He touched you, didn't he?" He rumbled, his eyes hard as he looked at her. "He made you do a lot of things you didn't want to."

                Somehow, it was better that he said it, and all she had to do was nod. Erend exhaled slowly. "I can't imagine..."

                "I wouldn't want you to," she returned.

                "Aloy." He wouldn't continue until she looked at him. He leaned in so she could see the deadly seriousness in his eyes. "He is never going to touch you again. No one is, unless you want them to. You're safe here, no matter what. It's over."

                She lowered her head. "It's not over," she choked. When he didn't respond, she settled a hand over her belly, then heard him take in a sharp breath.

                "The tea."

                "Helps me with my stomach. But I... was going to end it. Now I don't know anymore. The nightmares just keep coming and I'm afraid if I see this through... every time I see the child I'll think of him. But if I don't see it through... how can I think I'm ever better than the Nora who cast me out?"

                He was silent, and she couldn't bear to meet his eyes. But there was something different now, a sort of weight lifted from her shoulders. She felt like she could take a breath and think. She knew it was because whether he liked it or not, he too was bearing the weight of her burden.

                She nodded to herself. "Now. Now you know. Please don't tell Avad, or anyone for that matter. I'll do it myself just... not yet."

                "Do me a favor, Aloy," he requested quietly.

                She managed to lift her eyes to his face, but his gaze was so pure it almost made her start crying again.

                "Don't do anything drastic just yet. Think about it a little longer. If you need help, you have friends. You don't have to do this alone."

                 She took a deep, calming breath, closing her eyes. She wasn't alone. For her whole life, she wanted someone to say that, and when she finally had people who cared about her, she'd pushed them away. She let the knowledge of it calm her.

                Finally, she unfolded, wrapping her arms around him as she buried her face in his shoulder. He patted her hand. "I don't deserve you, you know. You or Avad."

                "Good thing it's not up to you then," Erend reassured her, turning his head slightly until she felt the soft scratch of his beard on her own shoulder. "Now you should get some sleep. I like to hit my rounds early and you're still coming with me, alright?"

                When she didn't respond, he pushed her to arm's length, ducking his head to seek her eyes with his. "Alright?" he repeated with a half smile.

                "Alright," she whispered, sliding off of the couch to pick up her things once more. She padded up the stairs while she listened to the Vanguard lock up the house before crashing on the couch, leaving behind a good chunk of her fears as well as a tiny red packet of herbs.

 

                As promised, Erend was yelling her name up the stairs at the crack of dawn, rousing her from her comfortable mattress with a start. Didn't she _just_ get to sleep moments ago? Quickly, she dressed herself and splashed some water on her face for the day, making sure to pull on sandals made for long distance walking.

                Erend was pleased to see she had a little more life in her when she came down the stairs, and she even offered him a small smile. "Come on, I'll get you some coffee," he offered, then hesitated. "If you still drink that."

                "I think that'll be very nice," she allowed, tugging the mass of her red hair up and into a ponytail. Her steps even sounded more light as she followed him out the door, thankful it was still a cool, blue dawn.

                The coffee he bought her was made much differently than coffee by the Nora. It was heated in sand over fire, giving it a smoky, earthy taste she fell in love with.

                "Not so fast," Erend laughed. "It's strong stuff. You're gonna be doing my rounds for me if you throw it back like that." He shrugged. "Not that I mind."

                They spoke about what happened in the city while she was gone, small conflicts in the palace, the state of the machines everywhere. They talked while they walked, sipping on their breakfast, stopping for a few firm-fleshed fruits that were both filling and sweet. Aloy couldn't remember a better morning, especially since Erend steered the conversation well away from what she'd been through, what she was still going through. He made her nearly forget, and for that she found herself adoring him.

                She did mention, however, that the override module and her spear had both been destroyed by Helis, and for that Erend was a little disappointed. "I always wanted to see you override a Stormbird. At least a Glinthawk. I've heard stories of you pulling it off from other people, but honestly I didn't quite believe it. Knowing you, though, I dunno how I could have doubted it."

                She smiled at him as they headed to the fourth checkpoint of the day, where he would collect reports from his fellow Vanguard at their various stations and bring them orders or send relief. None asked why the huntress was with him, and all seemed to generally look up to the Captain without complaint of their duties. It seemed that he relieved them often from their posts, moving them around, shuffling their responsibilities to be both unpredictable as well as keep fatigue from settling in. She marveled at the intuitiveness of this, wondering if he'd learned it from when his sister, Ersa, commanded the guard. She observed quietly, concluding the woman would be proud to see him now. Even she was proud to see how far he'd come.

                "You're staring," he told her in a low voice that was both teasing and chastising as he rejoined her from talking to his scout. "Still can't believe I'm in charge? Me neither."

                She sighed. "I was just thinking I should probably let Avad know I'm alright. He seems the type to get worried."

                Erend nodded as he began escorting her back towards the center of the city. "That he is, especially when it comes to you. If I didn't know any better, I'd say there's a spark in his eye for Aloy of the Nora." He grinned at her a little too widely.

                She looked down at the ground as they walked, her thoughts once more turning dismal. Erend sensed the change in her.

                "Aloy, I know it's none of my business," he said, apologetic. "But I think if you just tell Avad what's going on, he'll understand. He's an understanding guy! Moreso even than me, and you told me."

                Why had she told him, she wondered. Because he was there? "You're my friend," she said, trying to justify herself.

                She felt the barest of touches at the back of her shoulder where his hand rested. "Of course I am," he snorted. And yet he was still afraid to touch her, but for good reason. She was unsure if she could withstand another. She lingered for just a moment more before leaning away from his touch, gritting her teeth.

                He tried not to let the sting show on his face, but it was there. She struggled to make up for it when they reached Olin's. "Hey, don't sleep out here. If you _have_ to be around, at least take the couch."

                He only nodded, one foot on the bottom step. "Say hello to Avad if you do decide to go and see him. I'm sure he'll be ecstatic that you're alright."

                "Erend," she attempted as he turned to head out for the rest of his duties. "Can we do this tomorrow? The same thing? I really liked it."

                His smile was bright and sincere. "Sure thing, Aloy. I'll call for you at the same time. Get some sleep."

 

                She spent the rest of the day and evening sorting out the clothes Avad had brought her, trying each outfit on, excited for the upcoming delivery of her new wardrobe. She never before cared much about what she wore, only that it kept her warm and was functional. But then again she never beheld herself in a full-length polished mirror, which showed every minute change in her body as well as how her depression was affecting her.

                She washed, which always made her feel better, and lounged about reading one of the books from Olin's stash, entirely caught up in it until it got so dark she had to light a candle. She heard the door open and close downstairs, hearing the familiar heavy footsteps as Erend locked up. She wondered if he'd come up to say hi, but then realized he probably thought she was asleep. Her suspicions were confirmed as the couch creaked under his weight, and she was reminded that she'd have another early day, so she snapped closed the book and blew out the light.

               

                _She couldn't get enough air, she never could. Her hand reached for the grip she knew was around her throat, but this time, there was nothing. There was no longer a weight on her chest and belly, bruising her pelvis as her hips felt like they might break apart. This was something different entirely. Her whole body tingled like it was being electrocuted, and she reached out to grab at something, anything, as if fearful that her body would float away from her. She bucked up against the hand between her legs, her mouth open wide as the stars crashed around her. Her fingers dug into taut, warm muscle, and she could feel stubble against her cheek where lips brushed her skin. Helis never had stubble. She could hear her name on a familiar voice, a soft whisper like a prayer as Erend kissed her._

                She awoke with a jolt, freezing where she was tangled in the sheets on her bed. Her eyes widened as they stared up at the ceiling.

                "Aloy! C'mon, I need to get going!" Erend was calling up the stairs.

                Quickly, she moved to the edge of the bed, a wetness between her legs startling her. She gasped as her fingertips drew through it, her body still shuddering from what had happened in her dreams. Every nerve still felt like it was on fire.

                "Aloy?" she heard Erend call up the stairs again, a lilt of concern in his voice.

                "I'm fine!  I'm com-.. I'm... just hang on!" she called back down, trying to keep the breathlessness out of her own yell. She quickly pulled on the clothes she had set out the night before, tugging on her sandals. She didn't even think to change her mind about getting out of the house, so startled was she about what happened. Never in her life had she experienced anything that intense, and in her _sleep_. She considered talking to the Apothecary about her green herbs...

                Erend regarded her with a raised brow as she clambered down the stairs, mumbling an apology under her breath. "You look like you just ate a vulture pepper," he noted, amused, as he took in her flushed appearance. "Feeling okay?"  
                "I feel fine. I'm going to stop at the herb store, though, I need to talk to someone."

                "It's on the way. Breakfast first?"

                This time, he took her somewhere that sold rolls of buttery dough drizzled in honey and nuts and spices. She rolled her eyes as she bit into the crust of sugar before sinking her teeth into the roll, washing the bite down with her morning coffee. She almost forgot she wasn't alone as she moaned at the taste.

                "That good, huh?" Erend said as he watched her, not yet having touched his own. He wasn't quite expecting _that_ reaction. She noticed him staring and instantly choked, taking another swing of the hot coffee. The look he'd given her was drastically different than the ones he'd given her in the past, and she wasn't sure she could handle much more of it.

                "Hey, I'll meet you later, maybe, ok? I'm gonna run to the Apothecary's. Thanks for breakfast!"

                She felt bad for bailing on him, but with a moment to think and just a flash of hesitation, she threw her arms around him in a quick hug. Blaming the caffeine, she hurried away towards the shop, leaving him grinning like a fool in her wake.


	4. Relief

                The herb store was stuffy and fragrant as always, and the woman seemed surprised to see her. "Did everything go well?" she asked, folding her hands over the desk in front of her, concern on her face.

                "I didn't do it," Aloy admitted, coming to stand before the woman with her eyes on her face, no longer downcast. "I need more time to think."

                The woman smiled knowingly. "Of course. It's not a decision to be taken lightly, especially in your position. What can I do for you? You need more green tea?"

                Aloy fidgeted. "I came to talk to you about that. It's been making me sleep very deeply..." When the woman nodded knowingly, she went on. "And it's giving me very strange dreams." When another shopper and her friend came through the door, Aloy glanced at them, then leaned towards the herbalist with her hands on the desk. She lowered her voice. "I had an orgasm in my sleep. Why did that happen?"

                The herbalist drew her bottom between her teeth, and for a split second Aloy was terrified that she was going to laugh at her. "My dear, the herbs will make you tired and feel rested, but it has no effect on your dreams. That is entirely you, I'm afraid. Perhaps if you want to avoid this in the future, try not to think so much about a man before you go to sleep?"

                "I wasn't-" Aloy snapped, then glanced over her shoulder again. "I wasn't thinking of any men! Or women!" she replied in a whisper.

                "Of course not, my dear," the woman agreed, her eyes going past her to the other patrons. "My only suggestion is to perhaps drink less of the tea. At least that way you'll wake up before you... ah... ruin your bedding."

                Aloy heard a snicker behind her and she gasped with frustration. The woman looked at her helplessly, shrugging. "It is not the herb's fault, child, but if you feel it's so, please no longer use it. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

                Aloy turned and stomped out of the Apothecary's, her face hot. She turned her feet towards the palace, then, not quite willing to face Erend just yet. She hadn't been thinking of him before she slept, she knew it. And besides, if she was, Erend's face had been the first thing she'd seen every day for the past several, so of _course_ he'd be on her mind.

                She mulled over her dream again, wondering how much her mind had shifted the details with this new revelation. How she could have ever thought it was Helis boggled her. Sure, Helis was big, but not like the Oseram. She remembered the skin against hers being warm, not stony and cold. The scrape of his beard was just like what she felt against her shoulder when she'd sobbed against the Captain that night when she confessed what had happened to her. _That_ was why she'd dreamt it, because she'd remembered it.

                It was time to see a new face.

                Avad greeted her with as much enthusiasm as she could have hoped for.

                "You look ravishing!" He told her politely, though she'd done very little to make herself presentable. "It's so good to see you feeling better. Will you visit with me for lunch?" He gestured towards the lavishly set table on the balcony, and instantly a servant ran for another place-setting.

                She nodded resolutely, and he guided her to a seat next to his. "Tea, right?" he said as he poured it for her. "I have to be honest, it's going to be much easier tackling the responsibilities of the crown knowing you're here and well, Aloy. How is Olin's place working out for you?"

                "It's comfortable. Erend is sleeping with me."

                Avad sputtered, choking on his wine. "I beg your pardon?" he asked, staring at her.

                "He kept posting guard outside of Olin's, so I made him start sleeping on the couch downstairs. He said he liked to be able to keep people from bothering me while I slept in the bed upstairs."

                "Oh," Avad said stiffly. "I see. Yes, yes of course." Thankfully, food came, and Aloy perused the selection, making sure to take little bits of everything to assuage her appetite, which had been getting rather strange as of late.

                "I have been accompanying him on some rounds, when I feel up to it," she said while chewing. "It's been good for me, I think. Makes me wonder if perhaps I should ask you for a job of some sort, like I task I can handle while I'm recovering?"

                He seemed surprised but pleased at the request. "Well," he mused, eyes unfocusing as he considered. "If Blameless Marad wasn't so protective of his accounts, I'd ask you to assist. How are you at reading and writing."

                "I know how," she told him. "Better than most. Rost made sure of it. With the help of this I can even-" her hand lifted to where her Focus used to be, shock rippling through her when she felt nothing. "I..."

                Avad looked at her expectantly, chewing on the inside of his cheek. "I could use your help writing letters. That would mean lots of trips here to the palace to see me." He grinned as he winked at her. "If you're up for that."

                "I think that'd be alright," she told him, poking at a chunk of pineapple on her plate. "It's not that far of a walk and will get me out of the house some. Can I still do rounds with Erend?"

                "Please do. Maybe with you watching the guard will straighten up a little." Avad chuckled to indicate that he was only teasing the Captain. "It is good to see you have friends in the city, Aloy. Everyone needs someone they can talk to." He was looking at her in an odd way over his cup, and she wasn't sure just how to interpret the glance.

                "I like to consider you my friend as well, Avad," she assured him, hoping she'd struck the right target. "I really appreciate everything you've done for me... it's almost too much."

                She was wrong; he looked almost disappointed, and she inwardly cursed herself for her misunderstanding. Then what? She remembered something Erend had said.

                "Listen, Avad," she said, sighing as she leaned back into her chair. "I don't know a whole lot about how to talk to people. That's just how I am. If I feel a certain way, I tell them, otherwise what's the point?"

                Her words seemed to strike home, and the Sun King thought about it for a long moment. "I think I made it pretty clear how I feel about you, huntress," he said carefully, looking at her from under his brows. "I want you to know that my offer, and my feelings, still remain. I was hoping that your consent to stay in Meridian would mean that perhaps you had reconsidered your standing on... us."

                Aloy rankled, but she tried her best to hide it. "You barely know me, Avad. How could there be an _us_ outside of a mutual friendship without something like that?"

                "I _want_ to know you," Avad said, setting his cup down with a sharp _ting_ of metal on glass. "I thought that was obvious."

                She rubbed her forehead. "Not to me. I'm sorry Avad, I'm just no good at this sort of thing."

                "I see that," Avad said softly, a lilt of sorrow in his voice. "It doesn't matter. I just enjoy spending time with you, Aloy."

                That was something, at least, she could agree on. The Sun King was confusing and polite, but she did like him very much, especially when he smiled at her like she was the best part of his day. She offered one of those smiles back to him, trying to mimic it, and she seemed to have success because he looked satisfied.

                They finished lunch and she lingered, learning the sort of duties that would be required of her as his occasional scribe. Screening his mail was an important part of it, usually attended to by Marad, but the Blameless had much on his plate already. Writing was another matter, as the king would dictate what needed to be put to paper while she did the writing herself. Not just anyone had the sort of clearance and skill she would have for the job, and she wasn't to talk about anything she read or wrote outside of the palace.

                He thoughts were so taken up about her new responsibilities that she'd forgotten she told Erend she'd meet him after his rounds, and she realized how late it'd gotten while she was at the palace. He was, of course, at Olin's place, waiting for her.

                "Avad?" he asked as she ascended the steps to the small alcove in which rested the heavy wooden door. "Was he glad to see you?"

                "A little too glad," she admitted sheepishly. "I think you might have been right about him wanting a little more than my friendship." She unlocked the door and led the way inside, tilting her head as she spied a book in his hands. "What is that?" she asked as she flopped heavily on the couch he'd been sleeping on.

                He swallowed, immediately looking a little unsure. "Well, I...  here. It's a present for you."

                She sat up, blinking, a little taken aback. "A book?"

                He came to sit next to her, resting the small tome on her lap. She reddened at the title. "Hear me out," he said, lifting his hands innocently. "I don't know how much you know about being a mom. All I know is that you were an outcast and you never had a mother. Well this belonged to _my_ mother, and she gave it to Ersa in the hopes of having grandchildren. It'll tell you everything you need to know about having a baby and taking care of it in the beginning. Look," he cracked open the tome and pointed. "See, it even shows you how to wrap it up in cloth, what sort of food it needs when, when the best time is to-"

                He didn't get to finish his thought, because she'd thrown her arms around his neck in a squeeze so hard it was like she was trying to crush him. "Erend," she choked. "This is the most... " She swallowed back the sting she felt in the back of her throat. Too late. She already felt the tears beginning to pour down her cheeks. "Thank you."

                He understood. Someone finally understood where she came from and for once didn't just assume she was an all-knowing goddess among mortals. She was a girl forced into the world in every way imaginable, made to adapt to the pressures around her and for that she was considered infallible. He didn't pry, he didn't assume, he only offered her his hand no matter how many times she'd slapped it away.

                He let her cry, again, for a long time. She forced it to end with a few lingering hiccups, reaching for her flask of water. "You're going to turn me into a husk," she told him woefully, forcing a smile through her wet cheeks. She saw she'd ruined another of his scarves. "One that owes you a load of laundry-washing."

                He chuckled. "Don't worry about it. That's what friends are for. And hey, about the book, if you don't want to read it, if you've already made up your mind, at least keep it. For the future. You'd make a great mom when you're ready."

                She almost wanted to slap him for making her feel the way he did, like her insides were mush. She distracted herself by looking down at the pictures of a woman carefully swaddling a child. "Have you... read this?" she asked curiously, flipping through the pages.

                "Yeah," he admitted. "Ersa made me. She said if she had to know all about feeding babies and what happened to women, then I had to. It wasn't so bad, I think she was more embarrassed about it than I ever was."

                Aloy slowly leaned back, staring at a drawing of a child inside of a mother. Impossible, she wanted to gasp, though she knew better, having seen several pregnant women from afar. She flipped through a few more pages, fascinated, even as she read the chapter about just how it all happened to begin with. Something about the scientific way it was structured and described seemed completely unrelated to what had happened between her and Helis, though it was very obviously, painfully, the same thing.

                She felt his arm resting around the back of her shoulders and she unconsciously leaned into his side, her eyes scanning down one of the pages. He was so quiet and comfortable that she was almost finished with the book when she noticed the candle she'd lit flickering, on its last leg, and she realized that Erend had fallen asleep next to her, his breathing having evened out to something deeper and slower.

                Carefully, she slid out from under his arm, feeling horrible that she'd been barring him from the bed she'd offered him while she read. She reminded herself, however, that he was free to go to his _own_ house and sleep whenever he wanted. But she knew she'd miss him once he did, there was something terribly comforting about him being here, where, aside from him calling her in the morning, she didn't have to worry about any sort of intrusion.

                "Erend," she whispered, jostling him just a little. He was still in his armor, and she felt like it would have to be horribly comfortable to sleep in. He shifted a little, but didn't wake, so she began unbuckling his boots for him, tugging them off. She was fumbling with one of the buckles to his armor when he suddenly started away, and she cringed back.

                "Aloy?" He asked, confused, as he looked down to where he found his armor half unlocked.

                "Sorry," she whispered, straightening while hugging her book to her chest. "I just... I wanted to let you have the whole couch, but you're still in your armor. You... I'm going to bed. Good night." Before he could respond, she fled up the stairs, cursing herself every step of the way.

 

                That morning, she was glad to find that no dreams assailed her sleep, but drinking less of the tea meant that her nausea had returned. She was up even before Erend, and as he called for her to see if she wanted to join him on his rounds, she moaned a reply as she hunched over her bucket.

                Before she could tell him to go away, he was kneeling next to her with a flask of water, rubbing her back. "You alright?" he asked, concerned.

                "Can you... tell Avad I'll be at the palace soon as I can?" she asked between waves of sickness, unabashed by her state of undress at the moment.

                "How about you just stay in tonight, Aloy," he murmured sympathetically. "You've been busy the past few days, maybe it's catching up to you. We'll try again tomorrow."             

                She didn't want to admit how good that sounded, but she was already trying to crawl back into bed. "Before you go, can you brew me some of the tea in the kitchen? Just start the water... I'll.. be down to..."

                She was starting to doze off, and before she knew it he had returned with a hot cup of the herbed tea, sitting next to her on the bed in full armor once more. "Here. I'll be back tonight to check on you and see if you want food."

                "I'll be okay," she assured him, uncomfortable with the doting, but it reminded her of the way Rost used to take care of her when she'd fallen sick. It was a sort of caring she'd felt robbed of for so long.

                "I know, Aloy," he assured her, tucking the blankets up around her again as she finished her tea. "You always are."

 

                Aloy, however, was not okay. Everything she'd eaten the day before had come back up, even the tea. She barely left the bed for the rest of the day, drinking only water, and it was quickly becoming obvious that it was the only thing she could keep down.

                When Erend returned with food, she had to turn it away, the sight and smell of anything cooking roiling her stomach though it remained empty. She begged him not to demand she eat. Hearing the familiar order coming from his lips would be too much for her to bear, but he took the request in stride and withdrew the offer, taking it down the stairs and far away from her.

                While she was awake, she cracked open the book Erend had given her, flipping to a few pages she remembered the night before. It described her issue, and even the herbs used in the tea the Apothecary had given her, but it also suggested an alternative in case that didn't work. But it would mean asking yet another favor of her friend and guard.

                When she called him, he was up the stairs quickly, having rid himself of his armor and sported only his cotton shirt and trousers. "Are you okay?" he asked her, eyes flicking to the book she had in front of her as she stretched out on her stomach, her arms tucked under her chin.

                She pleaded at him with her eyes, helpless to alleviate her symptoms. "I need you to do this for me. Please?" she asked, sliding the book towards him. He glanced at it, then instantly knew what she needed. "The tea isn't staying down."

                "Are you sure, Aloy? I'm not..." he glanced down at his hands, which were rough and strong, not at all the hands of a healer.

                "Please. You're the only one I can stand touching me."

                He nodded slowly, moving towards the bed to climb up on it until he was kneeling at her side. She jumped a little as his hand rested on her back, but closed her eyes, forcing herself to relax. With his other hand, he dragged over the book and ran his fingertip across the words and diagram that told him what to do, and his touch sought out the landmark of her spine, the top of the back of her hip, the edge of her shoulder blade. She struggled to keep herself reminded that he wasn't actually touching _her_ , but her tunic.

                When he found the spots he needed, his fingers pressed into her muscle until she felt a sort of uncoiling in her stomach. It was uncomfortable at first, but soon the pressure was welcome, comforting, like a hot bath after being out in the snow. He found another point and her head was beginning to clear, her dizziness leaving her. Whatever sort of magic the book had Erend performing, it was working.

                She could barely believe the little sound she made had come from her. What she was feeling wasn't sexual, but it certainly sounded otherwise. She swallowed, but Erend didn't seem to notice, focused as he was on the pressure points.

                "Anything?" he whispered after a few moments, his voice a few notes deeper than it usually was.

                "Yes," she breathed. "It's working. You're wonderful." She shut her eyes, just basking in the momentary peace he'd brought her from the queasiness and pain.

                "I made you more tea," he said, trying to keep his voice low, as if afraid he might be waking someone up. "Want to give it a shot? I'll bring it up."

                She was worried about what might happen if he stopped. But he was right, she'd need to keep something down, even if it was just the tea. She nodded, and he reluctantly pulled his hands from her. She held her breath as he slid off of the bed, worried that the nausea would return, but it didn't. She sagged with relief, sliding off of the bed herself, her legs wobbling. "I'll come down."

                He held her arm, then draped her blanket over her shoulders, knowing better than to argue. "C'mon then and visit with me. It's downright boring down there myself."

                And so she spent the rest of the evening with Erend and her tea while he showed her how to play a very popular game of strategy involving different pieces on a board. She beat him easily the first time, and the second, but wasn't sure if he was letting her or not. He would, the softie.

                The tea helped immensely, but it almost instantly began to make her drowsy, and Erend found himself winning no matter how hard he tried not to. "Bedtime?" he asked her, sounding almost regretful. When she nodded, he moved to stand next to the couch, lifting her, the blanket and her tea in one scoop of his arms. She didn't protest, finding herself far too tired, and instead tucked herself against him as he ascended the stairs. She felt the faintest brush of his beard against her forehead, followed by the faintest touch of his lips before she was out cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm such a sap.


	5. Awkward Dinner Conversation

                "I'm just saying, I feel sort of bad that you have to sleep on a couch when you've got a perfectly good bed at your home," Aloy was telling Erend the next morning as they had stopped by their usual place during his rounds for breakfast. She found her appetite had increased dramatically over the past few days, for things she never thought she'd try. She even bought herself a crispy fried lizard the day before because it smelled so delicious, ignoring Erend's stare as she crunched it merrily from its skewer.

                Today she was being more kind, making him watch her eat one of the sweet rolls he'd introduced to her. She had learned to make her tea in just the right strength to keep her nausea at bay while lessening the intensity of her dreams, which continued to wake her in the morning with her lips tingling from imagined kisses and her heart racing. She could never look at Erend quite the same way in the mornings, but his easy attitude always made her feel more comfortable throughout the day.

                "If you want me to leave, just tell me to," Erend challenged over his coffee, watching her over the rim of the mug.

                She groaned, wanting to knock her head against the wood of the table. "I'm not going to _tell_ you to, Erend. I don't _want_ you to leave, I just think it's unfair."

                The Captain raised his shoulder in a shrug. "So I stay. You're gonna need help soon anyway. Besides, with your new job at the palace you're sort of on the high profile list. Any of those documents get into the wrong hands..."

                She knew he was reaching for reasons now. There was always something. Still, it was nice to have someone there with her in case she needed it. She was less frightened with the knowledge from the book he'd given her, and referenced it often when she felt certain twinges or inexplicable appetites. She read about ways to keep pregnancy from happening again, how best to wean a child from milk; the tome was a fountain of knowledge that Rost had touched on but never really knew the depths of himself.

                "Fine, Erend," she moaned before they parted ways for the day and she went to the palace for her usual attendance to the King.

                She found the work rewarding and challenging, keeping up with Avad's thoughtful words was almost as fun as hearing what they were. He was diplomatic but firm in his dealings, unwavering. He was fair as well, never giving an ounce of leeway to anyone who thought they deserved it because of who they were or because they asked. She spent the days out on the veranda while he dictated, soaking up the sun, her skin once more obtaining the bronzed, freckled tone that held heat even at the end of the day. She felt healthier, hungrier, and with a job to do she had less time to dwell on how she got there and why.

                She did find herself occasionally resting a hand on her belly, an unconscious gesture that she wasn't even aware she was doing until she caught Avad staring. She pretended she needed to scratch and returned to writing, her face going red. She still hadn't told him, but she supposed it was silly to keep such a thing from him when it would be only a matter of time before he could tell.

                So that evening she once more accepted Avad's invitation to dinner. She took a deep breath during a lull in their small talk. "Avad, you know why I don't accept the wine, right?"

                Avad looked a little stricken, as if put into a corner he didn't want to be in. He didn't want to risk an assumption. "You don't care for it," he said simply, pushing a few items around on his plate. She had to admit she felt a little sorry for him.

                "Three months. Six more to go," she told him, once more resting her hand on her belly. She heard him exhale in a sigh that sounded like one of relief. His hand tentatively closed over hers across the table.

                "Thank you, Aloy. I wasn't sure, but I'm glad you consider me worthy of telling in person. It's Helis, yes?"

                She began to nod, then shook her head forcefully. "No. It's _mine_. Helis will have nothing more to do with it. Attaching that name to this soul is only going to cause more sorrow. I want there to be only joy. I owe it to Rost, and I owe it to myself."

                Avad nodded, sitting back in his chair. "You still refuse to accept my offer of staying here at the palace. You'll have everything you need." He sounded a little woeful; he knew the answer was the same as it'd been every time she visited.

                "No Avad... I want somewhere comfortable, that I can call a home. A palace isn't a home, it's a seat of power, a hub in the wheel of a city. That's just not for me."

                The Sun King heaved another sigh. "So be it, Aloy. But this brings about a problem for me."

                She blinked at him. "For you?" she asked, unable to keep from sounding surprised.

                "The rumors. Your presence here has already begun talk that I hadn't felt the need to correct. It was my hope that they'd hold an ounce of truth. But with your impending motherhood, I'm afraid it'd only compound those rumors."

                "So... you want me to stop coming here?" She asked, frustrated. Why didn't he ever just get to the point?

                "No!" Avad objected, brandishing his hands. "Quite the opposite. I would have you here all the time, to help me with my duties, to be seen by my doctors. It's no one's business that the child isn't mine, but it's not like anyone _would_ know. If the rumors continued, I would come off as a king uncaring about the consequences of my actions, turning you away when you need me the most."

                She could only stare at him, openly, slowly setting down her fork. "The consequences of your actions?" She hissed, angry. "This has _nothing_ to do with you, Avad."

                He stared at her for a long time. Then, carefully, as if he were about to pet a barking dog, he settled his hand over hers. "Can't it?" He asked slowly.

                She could only gape as his hand held hers, his thumb stroking across her knuckles. She wanted to be furious with his assumptions that she needed him, needed _anyone_. She didn't care about court rumors or political intrigue or whatever. She had nothing to do with it, and wanted nothing to do with it from the beginning, which is why she wanted to refuse the palace altogether.

                She looked up at his face, where he was staring at her with big, dark eyes, an earnest expression on his face with his lips tightened. "What do you want, Avad?"

                "You, Aloy. And everything that it entails. Won't you stay with me?" He still had her hand, but she knew she could pull it away any time she wanted.

                "I have to... think about this," she said, her throat tightening. There was no way she was going to be able to wrap her mind entirely around what was going on, not with him looking at her like that. Not when he was leaning across the corner of the table to brush his lips tenderly across her cheek.

                She couldn't help flinching away. "Avad, please," she begged him. "Don't do this to me now. I can't..."

                He leaned back with a resolute sadness in his eyes, reluctantly releasing her hand. "Forgive me. That usually works."

                She laughed then, a high pitched, desperate sound that had him chuckling uncomfortably. "I have to go. I'm so sorry." She abandoned her plate and stood, backing away towards the stairs. He stood as well, anxious, half wanting to reach for her.

                "I'll see you soon, huntress?" he attempted.

                "Soon, yes.. maybe."

                She was surprised she could find her way home with the amount of tears stinging her eyes, blurring her vision, but she wouldn't let herself sob in public. She unlocked the door to Olin's and was both relieved and disappointed to see Erend wasn't there. His armor was stacked next to the couch, so he had gone out, perhaps to the tavern. She felt a twinge of jealousy; what she wouldn't give to drink away her problems.

                She ascended to her room and peeled off her clothes, crawling into bed, her heart racing. She tried to go over in her head just what had happened. Avad wanted her to do more than just move into the palace with him. What, she was going to be his pregnant concubine? He was going to show the kingdom what a good father figure he was going to be to bastard children? It didn't make any sense. No. She didn't want any child growing up in that environment. She'd seen what it had done to Itamen.

                But as a mother, wasn't she supposed to want the best for herself and the baby? No one was better than the royal physicians. They'd make sure she was eating right, doing all the right things. They'd be there for the time of the birth, to be sure nothing went wrong. What could be so bad about that?

                She rolled onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. Avad wasn't an ugly man. He could have any woman he wanted, but he wanted her. Even carrying another man's child, he thought she was worthy enough for him. She closed her eyes, trying to remember the way his hand slid across hers, his lips on her cheek. It made her a little queasy, not in the way her heart seemed to jump when she imagined Erend's lips on her, the way she dreamed of them on her. How can the touch of a man be the same, but so different depending on the man it came from?

                She had fathomed this for hours, contemplating. How did anyone know how to feel about someone unless they were touched by them? She simply wasn't used to foreign hands on her, even after Helis. She knew only her own, could trust only her own. Her hand slid down her belly, slipping into the thatch of red hair at the apex of her thighs. No. It was certainly different. Where had her dreams come up with the idea that Erend's touch would be pleasant at all?

                She heard the door below open and close, then lock. The familiar creak of the couch as Erend rested upon it. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself not to react, but then she felt her lips move.

                "Erend?" She called. Then a little louder. "Erend."

                She could hear his feet padding up the staircase, the creak of the door as he poked his head in. He looked groggy, a little drunk, his hair a mess. "What's up, Aloy?" he whispered as if he expected her to be asleep despite her calling him.

                She hugged the blankets over her breasts, shaking. What was she doing? "I need your help," she admitted softly. She was terrified, but a little glad that he was drunk. Perhaps he wouldn't remember...

                "The back thing again?" he drawled, stepping in and closing the door behind him. It killed what light there was coming from the hall outside, and he had to be very careful finding the edge of the bed.

                She nearly blurted the words then and there, but snapped her lips shut before changing her mind just slightly. "Come and lay down with me?" She scooted to the farther end of the bed, giving him room.

                "Oh. Uh... alright," he said, his hands seeking out the edge of the blankets before he slid beneath them. He stretched out, tucking his arm behind his head, obviously a little on edge and confused. "What did you need help with?"

                "I dreamt about you," she admitted to him, rolling to her side to face him, tucking her own arm beneath her cheek.

                "A nightmare?" he teased softly.

                "No. I dreamt that you made me feel good. It was a very... good dream." She swallowed.

                He yawned. "I'm glad," he said. "I never want to hurt your feelings."

                She wanted to punch him. But then she remembered how frustrated she was with Avad for not being clear. Was she doing the same thing with Erend?

                "Erend. You give me orgasms in my sleep."

                He turned to look at her in the dark. "What?" he asked, obviously mishearing her.

                She rolled onto her back, frustrated. "I thought it was a nightmare at first, but then it felt so good having your hand down there. Way different than mine." She forced herself to reach out to take his hand, then drew it towards her, placing it on her bare stomach. "I think I want to see what it feels like for real."

                He was frozen, and she was shaking. Why was she forcing him into this? Was it because Helis forced her, and it seemed only fair? She mentally cursed herself, her eyes screwing shut. _The weakness has found you,_ Helis' voice echoed in her mind, making her want to flee.

                But then Erend was moving, rolling towards her, and she could feel the heat of him so different than Helis. He was _not_ Helis. She could feel him hesitantly move his hand away from her, his breath tainted with the smell of ale.

                "You don't want this, Aloy," he said softly. "Not really. You don't want me."

                Her eyes snapped open and looked at him in the darkness. Did he just pull away? Couldn't he tell that she had nothing on beneath the blankets? Her mouth opened to agree with him, to apologize, only she realized that he was well and truly incorrect. Still..

                "Maybe," she agreed softly. "I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I just thought..." she rolled away. "The dreams are the only thing that make me feel good anymore. And I thought maybe because it's you..."

                She could feel his breath on the back of her neck, so close, but even that wasn't enough. It stirred the memory of her last dream about him, flashes of flesh and the taste of sweat. It made her swallow, hard.

                "You really dream about me?" he asked softly, trying to wrap his brain around what she was telling him, unsure if this might all be a figment of his drunken imagination. When she nodded, he could feel his arm slide around her, drawing her back against the soft cloth he wore. She could feel it across the entirety of her body, and it made her emit a little sound.

                "I've dreamt about you too," he told her after a moment. The concept addled her, and she wondered if this was something that happened often to those who stayed in the same house, saw eachother as often as they had. Just a side effect of circumstance. "I've dreamt of this very moment, getting to hold you in bed, your skin..." he couldn't finish his thought, caught up by the heat of the sun he still felt on her hip. His arm began to slide around her for a tight hug, and she stiffened.

                "Don't! Please..." She begged, pulling slightly away. "Don't..." she wasn't sure what she was fighting, but his arms around her made her feel confined, a little claustrophobic. He instantly pulled away, but she grabbed his hand before he could retreat fully.

                She rolled back onto her back and swallowed hard. The dream of him echoed in her mind, and she drew his hand downward, past her belly, her thighs falling apart as she inched his touch lower. He stopped breathing, as if afraid to break the spell as she forced the rough pads of his fingers directly where she wanted them, sliding slowly over her clit, making her jump a little with a gasp.

                She could hear him curse under his breath, and when she drew her own hand away, his remained. She clutched at his arm and everything fell into place as his fingers touched her, stroked her, slipped past her practically dripping folds. "Ohh yess," she sighed dreamily, already lost to the sensation. It was perfect. It was everything she could hope for and more. Her trembling was no longer borne of terror, but of want.

                She felt him bury his face near her neck, the rough scratch of his stubble, the tickle of his beard. He licked briefly at her ear, causing her to jump in surprise. That was certainly new. She tilted her head away to let him access her neck for more of those new sensations, but then he was slipping a thick finger inside of her and her back arched. "Oh! More..." she moaned sweetly, and she felt more than heard an answering sound from him as his arm flexed, pushing into her, his fingers curling just slightly as his thumb rolled over her clit. It was as if he knew her already, knew exactly which buttons to push, sparking her nerves and sending her shuddering. She bit the back of her fist as she fought a yell of pleasure as she began to feel herself get lightheaded, knowing she was pushing herself up against him but unable to control her movements. He encouraged it with each swirl of his touch within and against her, causing her eyes to roll briefly.

                Her orgasm hit her hard, her back arching and her legs clamping shut around him, locking his hand against her while she squirmed on the mattress, gasping for breath. Her nails were digging into his arm as she strained for what seemed like minutes, unable to get a breath, the pressure in her mind almost making her dizzy. When she came down she felt like she was falling from a great height, and suddenly her nerves were too sensitive.

                She cringed away from his hand, but he was already withdrawing it, panting hotly against her neck. His wet fingers were gripping at her, pulling her towards him, and she felt a twinge of panic, having to push him away. Her rejection was sobering for him, and he sat up, swiping a hand over his face. "Gods, Aloy," he breathed hungrily, but kept his distance.

                "I'm sorry Erend. I didn't mean to. We can... try..." she knew she was bluffing. Even in the glow after her orgasm, the thought of sex, real sex, was almost too much for her.

                He only grunted. "You're welcome," he muttered softly as he slid from the bed and headed towards the door, his shoulders hunched before he slipped out, shutting the door closed behind him softly.

                Aloy groaned as she sank back into the pillows, still trying to catch her breath. It'd been perfect. Every nerve was still on fire, her head felt light. She suddenly felt like she had to clean up, but couldn't force her legs to move.

                So that's what it was like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UNFAIR


	6. Lame Excuses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for this coming out late and not being the mega-chapter I wanted it to become to make up for yesterday. I was super close to scrapping the whole thing, but I'm so tired and I just wanna write porn, man, c'mon, why do I have to make these interludes of social interaction can't everyone just get naked?  
> Seriously.

                The morning brought a whole new set of difficulties for Aloy. She'd slept in, not having heard Erend call her for his rounds that day. She was disappointed and anxious at the same time. Did she just sleep through his summons or did he really not want to see her after what had happened last night?

                Not what had _happened_ , she corrected herself angrily. What she'd made him do. He'd been drunk and she knew it, the only thing Erend deserved was an apology. What she'd done was unforgivable.

                It had truly taken her a little while to realize that it had actually happened, and wasn't just another feverish dream. In truth, she was still on the fence about it, but surely he would have roused her and taken her with him that morning if he weren't trying to avoid her.

                So many questions raced through her mind that she didn't even notice that she felt fine. Not a twinge of nausea bothered her as she slipped on her clothes and padded down the stairs to duck into the kitchenette to find breakfast.

                A loud snore made her almost drop her glass, and she froze before swiveling her head towards the living room. There was Erend, passed out face down on the couch, just as disheveled as she had left him. Of course. He must have the day off, which is why he was out so late last night. She should have guessed.

                Despite herself, she smiled a little. He looked like a hibernating bear, arm flung off the side of the couch and dangling to the floor, his mohawk a mess of auburn spikes. Big shoulders rose and fell with his deep breathing, punctuated by the occasional snore thanks to the odd angle of his face.

                She sighed, glad to see he was sleeping even later than she. Carefully, she went to him, tucking his arm back onto the couch and fixing the blanket over his body, finding it far too small. She would apologize to him later. Right now he deserved sleep.

                She brought her glass of juice to the other couch, tucking herself in to crack open one of Olin's books that she'd been invested in, letting the morning fade out as she began to read.

                It wasn't long before he began to stir, and she leaned her cheek on her fist, watching him with a knowing smile. From the groans, she could tell his head was hurting.

                "Afternoon," she told him, keeping her voice low as he straightened, a hand going to the side of his head.

                "Ugh, really?" he squinted, disbelieving, as he glanced at the window. "I feel like I just fell asleep." He pushed himself groggily to his feet and made his way to the kitchen for a jug of water, and Aloy could see this was a routine he was well used to.

                "Day off today?" She asked, though knew the obvious answer. "I think I'll stay in too. Just me and you."

                He peered at her from over the water for a moment, then took another long swallow. "That so," he said slowly, as if trying to piece together what exactly _did_ happen the night before. She was curious to see how much he remembered.

                "You could have stayed with me a little while longer, you know. Last night. I didn't want you to leave."

                Slowly, he lowered the jug. "So that wasn't a dream," he said carefully, coming back to the living room to flop back onto the couch, water resting on his knee. "I'm not sure how I feel about that."

                She watched him carefully. "I owe you an apology. I took advantage of you while you were drunk and... it wasn't right. If anyone should have known better, it should have been _me_. I'm sickened by myself, Erend.  I hope you can forgive me."

                Erend shook his head, refusing her apology. "Any... any time," he said, trying to play it off as a sort of joke, but it only made her feel worse. If he felt used by what she'd done, he wasn't going to let her see. She could tell.

                She chewed on her lip as he sat avoiding her eyes, and the room fell into an awkward silence. "Did you mean what you said?" she asked, eventually. "About dreaming of me?"

                He was a little taken aback that he'd admitted it, but nodded. "I've thought and dreamt about you since the day we met," he told her, rolling his eyes. "Lucky me, huh?"

                She stared at him. For that long? Here she thought he was just a casual flirt, that she wasn't anyone he was especially attracted to. This made things complicated. "So last night..."

                He groaned, rubbing his forehead. "Honestly? Dream come true. Sort of. Shit, why did I have to get so drunk?" He chuckled a little bitterly at himself. Then he looked at her. "You're alright though? I didn't... freak you out with anything I did?"

                She bit back her words, then shook her head tightly. "No. I survived. And I slept well too, so thank you." Very well, in fact, she seemed to recall.

                "Good. Uh..." Erend rubbed the back of his neck, not looking at her. "Good." He took another long draw from the jug, seeming to be a little more awake. They sat in silence for another long moment, her eyes wide as she watched him, his own downcast.

                "Erend, can I-"

                "I should go an-"

                They both stopped, glanced at eachother, then Erend cleared his throat. "I'm gonna head to the springs and clean up."

                She blinked at him. "Springs?"

                He stood, looking at her a little oddly. "Where do you think we get all our hot water? If you're not into tubs, it might be right up your alley. You should come along, I'll show you where it is." He seemed to know where the towels were kept, plucking a few from the shelf and draping them over his shoulder. He picked a few bottles of soap up as well, eyeballing a few of them before deciding which to bring.

                Aloy looked down at herself. "Do you... you all use the springs together? Naked?"

                Erend barked a laugh, but it fizzled as his head began to pound. "Uh... no, not usually. I mean. You always have the weird ones." He moved towards the door, gesturing for her to follow him.

                They stopped to pick up breakfast at their usual place, then wrapped their leftovers and brought it with them to the spring. It was a short, dusty climb atop one of the mesas, following the series of hot water aqueducts that drew the overflow into the city. The man spring was guarded by some of the Carja soldiers to make sure nothing went into the water that shouldn't, but there were several other spillpools that were being happily utilized by bathers of all sorts. Steam hissed from the main spring where it sat nearly boiling, while the others seemed much cooler.

                "The guards are to make sure no one poisons the water?" Aloy asked as they passed.

                Erend gave her an odd look. "I guess so. Their main job is to make sure no one falls in though. Kinda dangerous." He led her over wood railings that were slick with moisture from the steam, towards one of the pools a little farther off from the others. He set their towels down and gestured to the bright blue green water. "This one's my favorite. Not too hot, not too cool." He reached behind his neck and peeled off his shirt.

                Aloy's jaw dropped briefly as she stared at Erend openly. She'd never before seen him with so few clothes on, and it had a much different effect on her than with Helis or with Nil, both of whom rather liked baring their chests in every day clothing. He was much more pale than either of him, his people having come from the colder climates to the north, but she was fascinated by the densely packed muscle beneath an almost soft layer of flesh, the way the hair beneath his navel matched his beard in color.

                "You're staring," Erend told her softly, but his lips tugged in a little smile as he tucked his thumbs beneath the hem of his trousers and peeled them off. Aloy felt the blood rush to her face as she simultaneously realized that she had indeed been staring, and that Erend was very plainly wearing closely cut shorts beneath his trousers. She twisted to look away, peeling off her own shirt to her underthings before turning to join him in the water.

                Now it was his turn to stare. His eyes were on her belly. Self-consciously, she sat on the edge of the pool, tucking her knees up to her chest with a blush and a frown.

                He smiled up at her apologetically. "No need to be embarrassed, Aloy. You're still beautiful. Pregnancy suites you."

                "What does that mean? That I look like I'm always supposed to be this fat?"

                He laughed. "It's a polite way of saying you look healthy and happy, like everything's going right."

                She knew he was just trying to give her a complement, so she offered him a smile in return and slid into the water. "Ohh... you're right. I thought it'd be scalding with all the steam." She was glad for it, unsure how super hot water would affect her in her condition. She decided it was best to play it safe with just about everything. "It feels like... well... like a bath."

                Erend's smile fell a little. "I was wondering about that. I know certain things remind you of your time with Helis. I hope... that someday you'll be comfortable enough to tell me what he did to you. Tell me your story."

                She inhaled sharply, her eyes wide as she looked at him. "Why would you want to know _details_ , Erend? I'm trying so hard to just pretend it never happened."

                He rubbed awkwardly at the back of his head. "Yeah... I mean I know. I just.. maybe you'll try and forget and maybe you will, then my dumb ass will do something that brings it back without knowing and I'll never know why you end up hating me for it."

                Her frown softened a little. "Erend, I don't think I could ever hate you. You're not the sharpest blade I know, but that's why I like you. You're honest and true and where I've got to worry about what other people are trying to say or mean, I know I can trust you to say what's on your mind. You've been like that from the beginning. You're not afraid of anything, especially what other people think about you."

                He looked like he wanted to object, but her praise brought a boyish smile to his face. "So will you tell me?" he asked.

                Aloy swallowed. She looked down into the water, then glanced around them. They were fairly alone, but she didn't want it to look like they were strangers enjoying the same pool. She slid across the water towards him, resting at his side. If people thought they were a couple, it was much more likely they'd choose to go elsewhere.

                "Where would I begin," she sighed. He placed his arm encouragingly around her shoulders, giving the far one a squeeze. She thought for a long moment, then began with the ruins beneath Sunfall, and the explosion that threw her into darkness. She spoke of the chains, of her collar, of how it felt when Helis touched a button that sent her into convulsions. She told him of the way the Sun would speak to Helis, make him seem stronger than any man had any right to be, and that he claimed to rape her out of duty to his God.

                Aloy slid her hands over her stomach as she continued her story, not looking at Erend. She described the place she'd been kept, how she couldn't make it far without the collar sending her to the ground. She told him of the name Helis whispered in his sleep when she had been so close to opening his throat with the blade of her spear. She told him everything, even things that had been fuzzy in those moments of half-sleep, things she looked back on and wondered if it may have been a dream.

                When she ended with her rescue by Sylens, she still couldn't look up at Erend. Instead, she let her story end where her adventures came to a stop, when Sylens split from her to continue his quest for the end of HADES and the restoration of Gaia. Vaguely, she wondered how he was doing.

                She started when she felt Erend's hand over her own, nearly encompassing her belly. When she looked up his him, his gaze was earnest. "Never again," he promised her, sky-blue eyes both hard and full of sorrow at the same time. "I promise."

                She found a little solace in his words and leaned against him. He welcomed her into a one-armed hug, but the heat of the water saw that they couldn't stay close for long without gasping for a breath. Both had begun dripping with sweat and condensation.

                "We'd better get washed before we prune," she suggested, pulling away to lean her hair back into the water to wash it. Erend nodded and handed over one of the bottles of soap, both of them washing separately. Erend showed her the best spots on the flat rock to dry out, laying out the damp towels for them to soak up the sun for a little while, his shoulders and nose already turning rosy with the touch of the spring light. She grinned a little at him.

                "Do they have hot springs where you're from?" she asked.

                "Some," he told her as he stretched out on the rock next to her, hands tucked behind his head. "But where there isn't, we use the excess heat from the forge to run the water through. Mostly though, we use the snow."

                She turned to laugh at him. "You're kidding. You just bathe in the snow?"

                "Oh sure. Gives ya the morning tingles." He flashed a grin her way briefly. "Not that I don't get those down here in the heat anyway, but..."

                She fell into laughter at that. "Morning tingles, oh Gaia..."

                They ate the rest of their breakfast under the sun before packing up and heading back into Meridian, their clothes having dried quickly in the heat. Erend was stopped once or twice on their way home by some of the Carja guards, wanting to talk of work, but Erend would quickly dismiss them once he saw they had questions pertaining to the guard.

                "The Vanguard would know better," he huffed as the two Carja watched him leave with little frowns. "Never talk work on a man's day off."

                Aloy glanced back at the men. "Do the Carja guard defer to you as well? Or just the Vanguard?"

                "Technically, we're supposed to be on the same level, since the Carja guard are more numerous but the Vanguard are specialized. Since Ersa's been gone, Avad's been giving his orders through me, for both ranks. Twice as much work."

                She smiled at him. "How's your head?" she asked as she unlocked the door to Olin's place.

                "Better," he admitted. "I'm used to drinking my brain cells away and replacing them with water the next day."

                "Is that what that sloshing sound is when you nod?"

                "Laugh it up. At least I can drink."

                She snorted at him and put their towels away. "So what do you usually do on your days off, anyway?"

                "Recover from the night before, mostly. Do laundry. Pay bills. Get food for the week."

                Aloy wrinkled her nose in distaste.

                "Go... hunting?"

                "That's more like it!"

                "No way," he said as he began catching on to her suggestion. "If you so much as trip on a root and stagger I will have a heart attack, I swear to you."

                "Fine. Spar then."

                "I don't think you understand the concept of-"

                She flopped on the couch, arms widespread. "Ugh! I am dying of boredom. I've been here two weeks and so far the most interesting thing I've done is see a big rock bowl of hot water."

                He sat next to her, scowling. "Really. That's the most interesting thing you've done."

                She suddenly turned beet red, hugging her arms over herself. "I... mean..."

                He was giving her that look, and she could only stare back with her lips parted just slightly in awe of how hard it was to look away. "Because if that's the case," he continued. "I've got plenty more to-"

                The knock on the door startled them out of their stare, causing Aloy to yelp with alarm. She took a breath as Erend got up from his spot and answered the door.

                "Friends!" Avad greeted as he stepped past him and into the entryway, his servant's arms full of scrolls and mail. "I'd heard Aloy wasn't feeling well again, I thought perhaps a visit was in order."

                "Avad," Aloy said in a near warning-tone from her position on the couch. She was both relieved and disappointed that he was there, the first because it meant he hadn't taken her snub of him too harshly. The second because she was extremely invested in what Erend's next words would have been.

                Avad waved off her tone. "No worries! I didn't bring you work. Just a few papers to sign for your citizenship. I came to see if you had any questions about the forms, and to check on you. Erend, you look well." The Sun King greeted his friend as he slipped past the Vanguard, who looked up at Aloy questioningly. She could only shrug at him, and he shut the door behind Avad as his servant began to lay out the forms on the table on which her and Erend had been playing the board game the night before.

                "Citizenship forms?" she asked carefully. The Nora hadn't any such thing.

                "Just declaration of residency, the deed to Olin's, proof of employment... it's all for the books," Avad said companionably as he sat in the place Erend had just vacated to let him in. Aloy tried to read through them, but her head was beginning to spin at the first paragraph.

                "This... might take me a little time," she confessed, shuffling the paperwork in her hands as she looked over at Avad. "Can I bring it to you in a few days?"

                Avad's smile faded. "In a few days? I just need your name at the bottom of them, huntress. It would only take a few moments."

                She peered at him. "I would like to read it all," she told him. "To try and understand it."

                Avad nodded his understanding as Erend came to loom over them behind the couch, reading over Aloy's shoulder. The Sun King spared him a brief glance. "I'll stay with you. We'll go over every word until you're comfortable with it."

                Aloy opened her lips to object, but Avad was already laying the pages back out. "This one here basically just explains who you are and why you've come to live in Meridian..."

                It seemed to take hours for him to go over each part of the documents he'd brought, but at least he was thorough and honest. Aloy's brain was spinning by the time she was signing, and Erend had abandoned them to go back to his place for a while to get some chores done. Aloy didn't want him to leave, but at the same time she knew she would leave as well, if she could.

                Avad sent his servant out with the signed documents, waiting until the door shut to turn back towards Aloy. His face had taken on a serious expression and Aloy sighed, steeling herself for what was coming.

                "You know why I'm here, really? To apologize to you for last night. I was an ass, truly."

                Aloy wasn't sure what to respond with. Were you supposed to agree with the Sun King on those kind of conditions? "You... surprised me a little, I guess," she told him. "I never really thought about you like that, Avad."

                At least he wasn't trying to kiss her again. "How do you think of me?" he asked softly.

                Aloy bit back the reply that she was going to give, that she never thought of him. "You're a good leader, and I can see why Ersa liked you." Bringing up Erend's sister had the desired effect, though perhaps it was a little cruel. He cut his eyes away from her, lips tightening in a small frown of acceptance.

                "In that case, all I request from you, now, is your forgiveness." He reached out for her hands, and she let him take them into his own. She stared down at his fingers. They were thin and pretty, nothing like Erend's. Thinking of Erend's fingers, however, made her cheeks flush. She prayed Avad didn't think it was because of him.

                "I forgive you," she finally said, and to seal the deal, she leaned over and gave him a firm peck on the cheek. The gesture was sweet but terribly final in its tone.

                "Thank you, huntress. If there's anything else I can do for you, you know you needn't hesitate to ask. I hope to see you at the palace again soon?" He stood, bowing to her in a terribly formal manner.

                She could only nod and he was out the door. She felt like she could finally breathe. For a long moment, she sat there, going over the events of the day so far in her head. She half hoped Erend would return as soon as he saw Avad leave, or better yet his servant, but she had no such luck.

                She had hoped to spend more time with him, to prove to him that she wanted his company, his companionship, not just his... hand. She mentally chided herself again for her foolishness and ascended the stairs to her bedroom to read.

                The reading turned into a nap before she realized, her extra weight taking more out of her than it usually did, compounded with the relaxation from the springs. She never heard Erend come home and lock the door for the night, nor did she react when he came to see her in her room. When he saw she was in no condition for further conversation, he blew out the lamp and softly shut the door behind him before returning to the couch.


	7. Halfwake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eh... more like 7.5??
> 
> Interrupt THIS, Avad.

                Aloy awoke in the middle of the night with her mouth and throat parched. She felt sleep melt from her almost instantly in the way that it does when you know you've gone to bed far too early and now you're rejuvenated for the rest of the night. She sighed... her dream had been so lovely too.

                She rolled to her back in bed, closing her eyes to try and sleep once more, but it wasn't going to happen. With a groan of defeat, she got up and glanced at the candle, frowning a little to see it was out without burning much farther than when she'd left it. Had Erend come into her room?

                She slid out of bed and reached for the candle to relight it. She desperately needed some water, her throat and mouth feeling as though they were full of sand. Quietly, she padded down the stairs, heading into the kitchen for the water. She rummaged for the jug, tilting it back for a few quenching swallows.

                "Aloy," came Erend's voice from out of the darkness, and she frowned, lifting the candle to peer into the main room.

                "Erend? What's wrong?" she asked as she saw him sitting up on the couch, rubbing his face.

                "Can't sleep. Come here, I have to talk to you."

                Her blood ran cold for a moment, and she lowered the jug to her side, bringing it with her as she lit the way into the other room. Setting the candle on the table nearby, she sat down where Erend made room for her, offering the water. He took it gladly.

                "Bad dreams?" she asked.

                "No. Can't sleep at all. Thinking a little too much about you and Avad."

                She blinked at him. "Me and... Avad?"

                "If he hasn't been up front with you about how he feels, it'll be only a matter of time."

                She rolled her eyes. "Really? This is keeping you _up_ at night, Erend Vanguardsman?"

                He huffed his frustration, turning away from her to drink more water. "I can't help it. He wants you in the palace, he's always dropping by, the way he looks at-"

                She wasn't sure what possessed her, but suddenly she needed her hands on him, needed to make him understand. She reached out and cupped both sides of his face, forcing him to look at her before she dragged him into a hard kiss. It was the only kiss she knew, and she could feel him tense with her ferocity as she delved against his lips.

                He felt his hands on her shoulders, holding her briefly, but then he was carefully pulling back, even as she clung to him. "Easy," he breathed, surprised.

                She felt all the blood rush to her face. "I... that was a kiss!" she complained, agape at him that he'd pull away.

                He touched his tongue to the inside of his bottom lip where her teeth had found him. His expression was conflicted, and Aloy felt like she might panic. Then he reached out to draw her a little closer. "Let me show you something," he said, softly, a lilt of what might have been pity in his voice. "Just stay still."

                When his lips covered hers, she tried to open her mouth, but then he was pulling away and she instantly froze, stilling until he resumed what he was doing. It was such an odd gesture, but the way his lips were soft against hers, and with how close he was to her face made her skin tingle with electricity. She could feel his beard, and his stubble where he shaved, and a faint taste of the mint he liked to chew after eating. She felt her eyes sinking shut as his lips played over hers, her whole body melting as it never had before. Without her bidding them, her own lips parted again, but it seemed to invite him to delve a little deeper, and soon he was kissing her in a different sort of way. It had the hunger she knew, but something else, something more tender.

                When a moan slipped away from her, he pulled back, but not far. "That's a kiss," he told her, his voice lower than it had been. She could almost hear his heart thudding in his chest. Or was it hers? Either way, she wanted more of what he'd been doing, so she leaned in to try it herself, her lips finding his in a soft, supple meeting rather than the hard press she had tried before. His tongue slipped briefly against her own, and she inhaled sharply through her nose. She had no idea something like this could make her feel this way: but it was warm, wet and heady, making her dizzy.

                When she pulled away for a breath, he was looking at her with his eyes half closed, his lips parted from her kiss. When he came at her again, she tilted her face up to meet his, but was surprised when he dipped to the side, and his lips found her cheek, her jaw, and the side of her neck. It reminded her of when he licked her ear, and she could almost once more feel his fingers inside of her. She had to grip him to steady herself, her hands splayed on the backs of his broad shoulders. He was so warm from sleep, the soft cotton of his shirt welcoming as well as frustrating. She wondered what his skin would feel like pressed against hers.

                Her thoughts scattered when he pushed her back, his lips dancing across her collarbone where it rose above the large neckline of her tunic, and she was painfully and suddenly aware of her lack of garments beneath it. "Oh... your mouth," she sighed in wonderment, her hands going to his hair as his own hands dipped beneath the bottom hem her tunic, sliding it up. When he felt nothing beneath, he broke away from her, heat radiating from his gaze as he looked down at her.

                "I've been wanting to do this for ages," he breathed, and she blinked up at him in confusion. He'd wanted to kiss her? Why hadn't he just done it then? she wondered. She clung to him as he pulled even farther away, making a little noise of frustration as the empty air cooled her. But then he was hiking up her tunic past her hips and she gasped, her hands gripping the couch rather than him, as he slid between her thighs and bent to taste her.

                His tongue slithering across her folds made her buck against his mouth in surprise. "Erend!" she gasped in shock and awe, but didn't pull away as she stared down at him with wide eyes. The flash of his teeth was white as he shot her a smile before dipping down again, settling a bit more, his eyes on hers as he slowly and deliberately dragged his tongue up to her clit. The flash of heat radiated from her core and she jerked. "Oh! There..." she found herself pleading, begging him to linger where his fingers had felt so good. She didn't have to ask him twice before his soft lips closed over the nub and pulled just a little. She felt the strength seep from every muscle as she became little more than a pool of jelly on the couch.

                She had no idea someone's lips and tongue could feel this good. Helis had licked her once, briefly, and it was terrifying. This, however, was completely different, and for once she forgot Helis's face. She only knew Erend's as he nuzzled into her mound as if she was the best thing he'd ever tasted. Briefly, his warm, thick tongue slid across her entrance, but she gripped his hair, pulling him back up to where his kisses were sending lightning through her.

                So he used his fingers instead, and the moment the two thick digits sank into her, stars exploded in her vision. She cursed, riding his fingers as she thrust her hips up against his tongue, her head thrown back as her body became taut, shuddering with the tangle of sensations that coursed through her.

                It was almost too much, but Erend seemed to sense that and drew back, swiping the back of his hand across his lips as he sat up against the back of the couch. He was breathing hard, she noticed through the fog of her mind. Something about that made her warm inside, the ability to affect him giving her a heady sensation.

                She pushed herself up to her elbows, still trembling slightly as she gained the rest of the way to sit up, staring at him. "You could have been doing that the whole time...?" she gaped at him in awe.

                He laughed heartily. "Any time you want," he assured her, catching his breath. She felt so odd, disheveled and a mess compared to him, who was only slightly out of breath. But then she noticed the thickness along his muscled thigh, stretching the cotton, and knew he wasn't entirely unaffected.

                If he could use his lips, she wanted to use hers. She wanted to see the same reactions on his face, the one that looked at her with so much in his expression that she felt overwhelmed sometimes. She leaned forward, tucking her legs beneath her. When he caught her eyes on his thigh, he couldn't help but chuckle. "Wouldn't be the first time you've made me hard enough to rivet steel," he joked, but his voice barely contained his hunger for her.

                She stared openly, reaching out to drag her hand over the long stretch of fabric, listening to the hitch in his breath. "And it goes away?" she asked softly. Of course she knew how to _make_ it go away, but she hadn't done any of that with Erend, so this was all rather new to her.

                "Not usually." He seemed to realize this was uncharted territory for her. "I guess... you probably haven't gotten a lot of time to get used to these things, huh?" he asked a little awkwardly, voice soft. When she shook her head and bent to start tugging open the laces to his trousers, he didn't fight her. He did help her tug them down a little, and he shifted, squirming as he worked his length free, and she could only gasp at it. He was right, she'd never really seen one up close, that was for sure.

                This close, Erend's thick length looked impossibly massive, and she could only imagine it would be terribly uncomfortable to bear so hard and in the way. How did he walk when something like this happened? She watched, wideyed, as her touch made him twitch just a little, and the heat from him was almost searing. It was darker than the rest of his skin, she knew because of the bloodflow, and the veins around the shaft were thick and imposing.

                He was watching her with his eyes half closed, a dazed look on his face as she ran her fingertips up his shaft and across his head, exploring the contours of him. She looked up as he made a noise, unsure if it was a good one or bad, but his eyes were on her hands. "Does that feel good?"

                His eyes flicked up to hers, and he half grinned, dazed. "Not as good as it could," he told her, then he lifted his hand and gently wrapped it around her own, squeezing her grip around his shaft. "Oof... yeah..." he reacted with a low chuckle. She squeezed, her grip strong, but unsure to what extent she could go before it hurt him. She needn't have worried, not with the pressure his grip was putting on hers.

                She licked her lips, following his lead when he pumped her hand slowly over him, as if it was her body clenching around him rather than her fist. She found great interest in just how he looked entering through her fingers, gasping at just how much of him slid through her fist and past her hand. A slick wetness from the tip helped her move, but it didn't seem enough, not to make him groan like she had.

                She was pulling her hand away and his eyes opened, his lips parting to object.

                "Let me try something," she murmured, watching his face as she leaned over him. She lapped experimentally at the head of him and he sank back against the arm of the couch as if she'd drawn the life from him.

                She could see him grit his teeth as he fought another sound that escaped anyway, and she felt supremely satisfied by it. She tried again, going a little farther, tracing up the entire length of him with the tip of her tongue before cupping her lips over the head. She watched as the planes of his body tightened, and his next breath came tinged with a low moan.

                Warmth flooded through her at the sound, as if she could feel him inside of her body as much as between her lips as she fought to bring him into her mouth. She was messy, unpracticed, and he hissed once as her teeth accidentally scraped him, but she found herself enjoying the strange kiss almost as much as he was. Well, perhaps not quite as much. He'd begun a movement she knew, holding her hair at the back of her head as he pushed up into her lips. Thankfully, he kept it shallow, and Aloy made a happily little sound in the back of her throat as he thrust against her tongue, rather enjoying the salty taste of him. The look on his face was pure bliss blended with raw sensation, and his eyes snapped open once to watch her lips slide wetly across his shaft. It brought a deeper groan from his throat and his movements quickened. She widened her lips to accept him, but then he was suddenly pulling her away, and his hand replaced where she'd been. He was jerking hard, and she knew he was having an orgasm, but couldn't understand why she was made to stop.

                She watched as he came down, fascinated. He was so reactive, expressive, she wondered if he would be different if they ever actually had sex. He panted as he continued to hold himself, his muscles still shivering. "Whew... that was..." he groaned. "I think I'm gonna need a big towel this time."

                She felt her brows pinch. "You're not _that_ sweaty," she said softly, confused. He only blinked at her, then as if in explanation he opened his hand, baring the mess to her. She straightened, eyes widening. "So that's what..."

                "Right," Erend said softly, coming to enough of a conclusion that Aloy was still mentally not up to speed with herself physically, at least in the educational aspects of sex. "You've never..."

                "...actually seen it..." she admitted, getting up to get him a wet rag. "Here," she said, settling back down next to him and tucking her legs up to her chest, watching him avidly as he cleaned up. She frowned to see he was almost just as hard when he'd finished and tugged up his trousers. "What happens if it goes in my mouth?" she asked.

                He'd been helping himself to the jug of water, but her question made him cough a little. "Ah... nothing. You just spit it out."

                "What happens if I swallow it?"

                He stared at her. "Then... there's less of a mess," he had to admit.

                She hummed thoughtfully as she looked at him. There was something fulfilling about knowing how to take control of him, like overriding a machine. She knew how to make him weak, make him utter those noises, and she felt a heat at the pit of her stomach as she realized that he wanted her as much as she wanted him. It made her smile.

                He looked at her, his dazed expression turning into a fond smile. "What?" he asked.

                She hummed thoughtfully and moved to settle against him. "Mind sharing the couch?" she asked softly. For a moment she'd considered inviting him to sleep with her, but there was something about losing her sanctuary, someplace she could retreat to if the couch didn't work, that made her change her mind.

                He huffed a low assent, already drowsy, shifting a little to let her squeeze between him and the back of the couch, half on his body. She didn't mind, he was warm and she seemed to fit against his chest just perfectly. She threw her leg over his waist and sighed with contentment, then almost as an afterthought, leaned up to press her lips to his in a soft, fond kiss that he returned. She could still taste herself on his mouth and didn't mind at all, it only seemed to bring them closer together, which was something she needed.       

                She found he faded quickly despite the cramped quarters, and eventually her thoughts stopped racing enough to settle as well, her eyes flickering closed as she listened to his even breathing and throbbing heart against her ear. She smiled to herself, wondering if anything she could have said would have been as good as this sort of apology for her selfishness. And kissing was something she would have to work on, but she felt Erend would be a willing teacher for that. She wanted to know everything, at least before the baby got too big for her to enjoy half of it.

                She half woke when she realized she'd gone to put her hand on her belly, but Erend's was already there, encompassing it while he slept. His touch was warm, soothing the ache she often felt from her growing belly, so she closed her hand over his and shut her eyes, quickly falling to a fuzzy, dreamless sleep atop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know they both still have shirts on in the fic [but hey!](https://orig04.deviantart.net/98ac/f/2017/219/f/8/let_me_try_something____by_silencenorth-dbj9pwr.png)


	8. Traipsing

                Aloy woke when Erend tried to slip out from underneath her. The sun was shining through the window and she groaned to realize that he was probably late to get to his rounds. Her arm was asleep from where it had been crammed beneath one of the cushions.

                "Do you have to go?" she whispered as she watched him get dressed.

                "That's a silly question..." he returned, a chuckle in his voice.

                She made a show of sighing and rolling about. She lamented the time she'd lost with him, when she could have been spending her nights down here. Or better yet...

                "I'll be back before you know it," he told her as he sat to pull on his boots. The sideways look he gave her made her smile, and she rolled onto her back, her head in his lap. She let her hair splay over his thighs as she smiled up at him.

                "Promise."

                "I don't think I've ever seen you smile this much," he noted, both piqued and surprised.

                "No bad dreams," she whispered. No dreams at all; she had slept like the dead. When she woke, she was almost sure how much of the night before had truly happened. But she had definitely still been atop Erend, wearing only a tunic that had bunched high around her hips. And she definitely had felt a familiar warmth in the pit of her stomach at watching him pull on his clothes, the way his muscle bunched and slid beneath thick skin.

                She looked up at him, reaching to slide her fingertips through his beard, something she didn't think she'd ever done before. He was watching her carefully, as if ready for her to denounce the actions of the night before. Instead, she pulled him down to her lips, offering him one of those soft kisses he'd taught her. He didn't hesitate to return it, but all too soon he was pulling away.

                "Easy... much more of that and I won't make it out the door," he said after she tried to pull him back down. She realized his threat was anything but, and grinned mischievously as she squirmed on his lap, twisting to straddle him. He opened his mouth to half-heartedly object before she covered his lips with hers, and he was instantly supple in her arms. She thrilled at the hungry moan she felt against her lips. This was what it was like to want someone and be wanted in return.

                She could feel his hands tighten to fists behind her before smoothing over her back beneath her tunic, and his trousers did little to hide his want for her. She strove to feel more of him, working her hips against his, and felt him inhale beneath her. Perhaps she should not have waited for him to put on his armor. Metal was digging uncomfortably into her belly, but she didn't mind it much.

                She bent her head to whisper softly in his ear. "I can feel that you want me... would it be so bad...?" To make her point, she rolled her hips slowly against his, if anything to feel that tantalizing press of him between her legs.

                "Aloy," he begged. "You're killing me." She liked the desperation in his voice, the way he seemed to sink into the couch as his muscles unwound beneath her, surrendering to her. "I _need_ to..." she didn't let him finish, instead covering his mouth with hers. She knew how easy it would be for him to set her aside if he truly needed to. She would be weightless in his hands. But he didn't.

                Slowly, she slipped away from him and down to the floor, her knees hitting the soft rug. Her eyes remained on his the entire time she pulled open the laces to his trousers. She'd been thinking of doing this again for most of the morning, only doing it better this time. She watched his face as he put his hands on her wrists, as if to pull her away, but instead seemed to push her, encourage her, to tug him free and close her lips over the throbbing tip of his hardened length.

                Instantly he hissed in a breath, his eyes riveted to hers as she dipped down over him. She not only wanted him to forget his responsibilities for the day, but maybe his name and a good portion of his childhood as well. Her eyes fluttered shut at the taste of him, the way he filled her mouth with much more to spare. Her thin fingers wrapped around the part of him she couldn't quite fit, gripping him tightly. She tried her best to take more, and his hips jerked as he reached the back of her throat, making her jump back and cough.

                "Sorry," he groaned, licking his lips, and she didn't hesitate to delve in again, feeding off of his heady moans. She pulled back again slightly, slithering her tongue up along the underside of him, giving a sucking kiss to his head. She was learning slowly what made him react. He looked like he was getting hot in his armor, his breath coming a little more quickly. The rest of his body, however, remained completely and totally relaxed, draped over the edge of the couch, his chin on his chest as he watched her with half-lidded eyes.

                He raked a hand slowly through her hair, and she loved how deep his voice had gotten. "You're in for it when I get back," came his low, soft promise, and she hummed with delight against him as she dipped hungrily, messily, over his length. His sounds slowly became longer, deeper, with every twist of her head or drag of her tongue.

                When she felt him start to move against her, she knew it wouldn't be long, and when he jerked and tried to pull away, she held fast. He began to pump into her mouth shallowly, fervently, grunting with the wave of pleasure that took him as he emptied himself into her mouth. She quickly swallowed, trying not to let it linger, enjoying the way he clung to her.

                When she finally sat up, reaching for the jug of water, he was a figurative and literal mess. He could only stare at her with a dazed expression.

                "You're going to be missed," she chided softly, climbing back up onto the couch. Whether she meant by herself or his Vanguard, she didn't let on.

                Still trying to catch his breath, Erend gathered himself back together, trying to straighten his armor and fix his expression. He only shook his head before bending to steal a quick kiss before he was out the door.

                For a long while, Aloy lounged about the house, reading, keeping her legs stretched out as best as she could. They cramped from lack of exercise, and it wasn't long before she snapped the book closed and went upstairs to put on a hunting outfit. She had to make a few adjustments for her belly, but her skill required only a little bit of time before she was ready to go, hefting her bow and quiver of arrows. There was a lightness in her chest as she strode out of the house and past the other buildings, finding her way deep into the forest. She'd miss her spear for the help of a strider, her focus to see the machines before they saw her, but she knew she was more than just her tools.

                For most of the day she hiked, the sun beating down on her skin paled for too long indoors. What few creatures she saw were rightfully disappeared before she could sneak up on them, and she cursed as yet another goose flitted away far before she even saw it on the riverbank. Even fish were hard to spot in the rushing current, and her first attempt at shooting one ended with the entire river clearing out at the disruption.

                She was just about to call it quits until another day when she saw a turkey rustling at the bottom of one of the dusty valleys, strutting before a hen with its feathers at full display. She calculated the chances of her taking out both of them, but didn't much feel like dressing and carrying two. So she aimed for the larger male, her bow creaking from disuse in the heat. She let fly, satisfied with the thunk of bolt in bird and the spray of feathers that accompanied it. As she stood to collect her prize, the hissing snap of a watcher going full alert nearby made her nearly stumble with surprise.

                Her eyes were momentarily blinded by the red spotlight on her face before she heard the familiar whirring of the machine gearing up to leap at her. She yelped and rolled to the side as the machine crashed through the underbrush she had been in, then twisted to slam its head into her side, knocking her down the steeper part of the ravine. She tumbled, her arms and legs tucking to protect her core even as she careened down among rocks and spiked plants. When she hit the bottom of the ravine with a grunt, she found herself next to the killed turkey. Quickly, she dove upon it, tearing out the arrow and nocking it just as the watcher careened down the ravine after her. She inhaled sharply as she aimed for the optics, splitting it cleanly with her weapon. The machine tumbled into the dirt at her feet as she panted, sparks zipping off into the darkening afternoon.

                Aloy groaned as something twinged deep within her, stealing the breath from her lungs and doubling her over with a cramping pain. She squeezed her eyes shut as she folded her arms over her stomach, taking shallow breathes, willing the ache to go away. When it finally did, she could breathe. But there was something in the back of her mind warning her that she could be truly hurt. And not just her.

                "I'm sorry," she whispered softly to her own abdomen, moving carefully now to collect her things, as well as a few scraps from the machine she had downed. Night was coming quickly and without her focus she didn't want to be caught out with aggressive machines, so she quickly found the path again and made her way back towards Meridian. When her adrenaline wore off, she couldn't walk without limping, realizing with a curse that she would have a huge bruise on her side over the next few days, not to mention the cuts and scrapes she attained while falling down the ravine. She plucked a cactus spike out of her arm and continued on, but it wasn't much farther before she had to sit to catch her breath and fight off more of the pain in her belly. But it always subsided, and she could continue her journey.

                When she saw Erend waiting for her outside her house, she realized that she must have locked it on her way out, figuring she'd be back before he would get home. Her initial happiness at seeing him was overshadowed by the anxiety of what she would say to him, how to voice her worry about what had happened. When he saw she was torn and bleeding, carrying prey, he reflected her thoughts.

                "Aloy," he said, meeting her quickly and taking her bow and turkey, setting it aside. "What happened? Are you...?"

                "I think I'm okay. Not used to being out there without my focus," she admitted softly, not looking at his face. He touched near one of the scrapes on her shoulder and she tried not to flinch.

                "Get inside," he said. "I can call a healer." He picked up her things and put them on the porch, then jogged off before she could object. The nearest guard wasn't far, so she opened the door and stepped inside, leaving her things on the porch and the door open.

                She sat on the couch, carefully peeling off the layers of protective equipment, setting it all aside until she was in her soft underthings, where she could see the extent of the damage. Not something she'd worry about, usually, but her side was keeping her from drawing a full breath, and the twinge in her belly was becoming more insistent, even sitting.

                When Erend returned, he winced at seeing her. "Shit, Aloy, why didn't you just wait for me? We could have gone together." He came to kneel at her side, inspecting her cuts. "It doesn't look too bad..."

                She withdrew her hand from her side, and he inhaled at the mottled colors of red that had already slowly begun to spread. "It's hard to breathe," she admitted. Erend turned a little pale, then sat next to her and placed his hand on her back, reassuring.

                "Healer's coming," he told her, his voice sounding strained.

                Erend had washed most of the cuts by the time the woman did arrive, dragging her satchel in through the door. "What's happened?" She inquired as she knelt beside Aloy, her hands instantly going to the roundness of her belly, checking for anything outwardly amiss.

                "My side," Aloy corrected her, gesturing.

                The woman didn't seem happy to find Aloy's ribs cracked. "Were you attacked? The Vanguard should be dispatched to..."

                "It was my fault. Stumbled into a machine. It's destroyed."

                The healer nodded tersely and prodded Aloy's ribs a little more. "Pain anywhere else?"

                When Aloy told her, both the physician and Erend exchanged concerned glances.

                "Any blood?" The woman asked her, placing some sort of instrument in her ear to listen against Aloy's belly.

                "No... not... that I know of."

                "You'd know."

                "Just sort of a hurt, like pulled muscle every once in a while."

                The physician hummed as she finished her examination, digging through her bag. "This poultice is for the ribs, though I'm afraid with such an enclosed injury, only time will see it healed. As for your baby, be vigilant. I must know if there is any blood. Until then you may be suffering contractions, which should go away on their own."

                Aloy gasped, knowing the word from the book she'd been reading. "But it's way too early!" She was surprised at the panic in her own voice.

                The physician was pouring her a small vial of something, scowling at her. "Far too early," she agreed. "So take this and it should quiet the pain until it subsides. Erend, be sure she does no more hunting. Your child could have been in grave danger."

                Erend opened his mouth to object, but realized it wasn't worth the effort of trying to explain. Instead, he only nodded and the woman made her exit, leaving them with the poultice prepared and the vials arranged on the table, a write up of instructions next to it.

                "She's um... efficient?" Aloy attempted to smile, but Erend's stern face met hers and her face fell.

                He didn't chastise her the way she thought he would, instead grabbing one of the vials for her to drink, and picking up the poultice to apply it to her side, wrapping it carefully around her ribs. She made sure he knew it hurt enough for her to feel punished, but she still couldn't look at her face. When he was done he picked everything up and took her turkey to the kitchen to wash it out and spit it for the fireplace.

                "Erend," she attempted, just to fill the silence. "I was going crazy, I had to get out."

                "Flower picking."

                "What?"

                "Fishing. Bird watching."

                "Erend..."

                "Find a new hobby, Aloy," Erend told her softly as he returned to start their dinner on the spit, setting a few wrapped vegetables into the coals beneath the roasting bird. "You're not just you anymore."

                Aloy's face fell even more, her brows pinching over her eyes. "But I'm _still_ me. I still need to _be_ me." She told him, her voice cracking at the magnitude of what might have happened. She couldn't look at him as he began removing his armor, then sat at her side with a sigh.

                "It's not forever, Aloy," he said diplomatically. "You just gotta be careful. If anything happened to you... well if you thought I was pathetic when Ersa died..."

                Aloy gaped at him. "I never thought you were _pathetic_ , Erend. You just had a lot of growing up to do."

                When he looked at her pointedly, she saw his meaning. She swallowed. "Alright... alright. I'm sorry. I'll stay in Meridian."

                "Just... let me be with you, alright? That's all I want."

                His words struck her deeply, and she had a feeling he wasn't just talking about a hiking trip. She lifted her face to look at his, saw the crippling concern there, and sighed. "Promise. You'll be with me."

                She carefully rested her cheek on his shoulder, not having realized just how tired she was. She wouldn't make it to dinner. "Erend?"

                "Hm?"

                "Will you sleep with me upstairs from now on?"

                He was quiet for long enough that she began to wonder if he'd heard her. "For as long as you like," he said, his voice low, as if he didn't want to wake someone.

                She nodded in satisfaction, yawning. "Take me up there now? I'm so tired."

                Wordlessly, he moved to scoop her into his arms, and despite his care it still hurt. She didn't let him hear how much, though, tucking her chin into her chest and closing her eyes. "You'll miss your turkey," he was telling her as he brought her to the stairs before ascending it.

                "I know. Tomorrow, I promise. Just come up when you're finished. I'll wait for you."

                Little did she know, her promise would go unfulfilled. Almost before Erend had the blanket draped over her, then her muscles had started to unwind, and the cool, crisp pillow at the back of her neck seemed to draw her into an embrace of dark fog.

                When Erend put the food away and came up to join her, he was warm and big and Aloy almost instinctively rolled towards him, curling against his chest as he carefully draped his arm over her. She vaguely remembered another time he'd done that, but this time felt no stirring in her chest to break free and run while she could. She didn't have time to wonder if it was the formula she'd been made to drink. All she knew was that the pain in her belly had lessened, the one in her side didn't feel quite so bad, and the one in her heart seemed almost a distant memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I really want turkey.


	9. Best Kept Secrets

                For the next few days, the pain in Aloy's belly lessened while her bruises became ugly and dark, spanning most of her side up to her armpit and down to her hip. She could breathe a little better, but wanted little to do with getting up and moving around. That only seemed to exacerbate the issue with her underused muscles, which ached in protest regardless of what she'd chosen to do.

                Every night when Erend came home from his rounds, he would visit with her. He even brought up the game board to play with her on the bed, as well as new books from the palace library and a few things from Avad to look over, just to keep her sane. He made her the tea that kept her food down, though she found she needed it less and less often.

                When it was time for bed, Erend would always blow out the candle and make to leave, regardless of how many times she told him he could stay. He would mumble something about not wanting to roll over on her in his sleep, but the concept of that didn't seem terribly off-putting to Aloy, so she insisted. Then he would climb into the big bed with her in his soft cotton pants and his wide chest bare for her to feel the heat radiating from him in the cool evenings.

                She wasn't able to sleep some nights, though often Erend had no trouble with how early he often got up for his work. He was passed out cold with one hand tucked beneath his head and the other draped behind her as she curled against him. Her hand was splayed on his chest, where she could feel his heart beating in a relaxed rhythm. She often took advantage of these moments, tracing his scars, exploring the curves and angles of his torso without having to worry about him watching her, judging her. She especially liked the coarse hair beneath his navel, above the hem of his pants. She would scratch her fingers through it thoughtfully until he made a noise or shifted, and she would stop for fear of waking him.

                She wondered if it meant she was still using him to remove herself from her hurt, a distraction from the life she suddenly found herself living. All temporary, she assured herself. But then what? She rarely ever thought about the future, at least not long term. So much had happened to her that it was impossible to predict what would come at her next, how her life would change. At least for now, she felt at peace, safe. Wasn't that what most people usually sought in the course of their lifetimes?

                She stopped her thoughtful rub across his belly as he moved slightly, but her thoughts were interrupted when he spoke. "You don't have to stop," he said a little forlornly.

                She turned to glance up at him, the movement making her wince just a little. "Am I using you, Erend?" She asked quietly, voice no more than a whisper.

                "Using me for what?" he returned drowsily, stifling a yawn.

                "Peace of mind? Protection? Orgasms?" The last she offered with a small smile, less embarrassed by the concept now.

                "If you are, I don't have any complaints," he told her, his arm tightening just enough to relay a hug. He twisted slightly to face her, stretching out on his side. "Well. One complaint. But we don't address that 'till you're ready."

                She knew what it was, but she felt herself ask anyway. "Oh? Who says I'm not ready?"

                He chuckled throatily, his hand resting on her hip. "You're not. You might never be. But I'm lucky just to be here with you. I've said it before."

                _Just a minute of your time,_ she recalled. "I bet you've said that to plenty of women, Erend Vanguardsman," she teased, her voice low, as if someone else in the building might hear them.

                "If I had, I don't remember," he admitted. He leaned in, resting his forehead against hers. "But I do know that if I were in bed with any other woman, I definitely wouldn't have my pants on. You're not any other woman, Aloy. I care about you. Not just your body, but what's going on in that head of yours, too."

                She tilted her face up, studied him with her eyes wide in the dark, but she couldn't see his face clearly. After a long moment, she felt words leave her lips without recalling bringing them forth. "And if I said to take your pants off?"

                He was quiet as he watched her in the dark, and she was sure he could make out as little of her as she could of him. It was almost more comfortable this way, both of them half-asleep, groping around in the darkness. She felt him shift next to her, squirming, the sound of cloth dragging on cloth before falling with a hushed puff of air onto the floor. Then he was once more facing her, and she put her hands on his chest. She was acutely aware of how little she wore to sleep, only her tunic, and right now it was stifling. She began to squirm, trying to work it up and over her head, hissing with the pain of movement.

                "Aloy," Erend said in a soft warning, hearing her noise.

                "I want it off," she insisted, and so he helped her, and for the first time they rested fully nude alongside eachother. She wondered how it was possible that he gave off more heat without his clothes. Almost gingerly, he rested his hand on the curve of her hip beneath her bruise, thumb stroking along her skin. She brushed past his care for her, dragging his hand up to cup her small, lean breasts. She closed her eyes at the way he held his breath, his touch gentle though his hands were calloused from the burn of the forge and the swing of a hammer.

                "I don't deserve you," he said softly, almost to himself as he brushed his thumbs over nipples, making her shiver, forcing his touch to catch on the stiffened peaks.

                She chewed her bottom lip, wetting it slightly. "Don't... you want me?" She asked hesitantly. Perhaps she was too far along for him to have even wanted to take his pants off. She hadn't even thought of that. The concept forced a twinge of guilt down her spine.

                His chuckle set her fears aside, especially when he took her hand and brought it down, guiding it around his length. She gasped softly, always surprised at its girth. "Every minute," he told her, his voice a little more harsh with her touch. "You have no idea." She nuzzled close to him, wanting to feel him against her as she stroked his length. He tucked her under his chin, breathing deeply as her lips found his collarbone. She loved the way he moved with the motion of her hand, matching her lazy pace, asking nothing more of her than that.

                She knew there was no way she was going to reach him with her mouth, not in any way that would cause her too much pain to continue. She lamented with a little whine, and he answered her small sound with the touch of his own fingers, already knowing her well enough that they delved expertly between her thighs, soaking in her wetness.

                She sighed breathlessly, her lips open as she continued to stroke him, her hips moving slowly in time with her own hand, grinding herself against his fingers. He had to pause and release a shaky breath, and she leaned up to capture it with her lips, teasing him with a messy, heated kiss. He hummed low against her mouth, withdrawing his fingers from her, bringing with them a cry of want from her. But he took only a moment as he used her juices to coat his length, letting her resume her ministrations, this time much more easily.

                When he returned to her, she shuddered with the heightening pleasure, writhing herself against him despite the pain. He could feel it, however, in the tension in her body, the lilt of it in her sounds. He held her still, plying her with smooth, gentle strokes of his fingers, pushing and pulling and dragging within her until she didn't realize she'd pulled her hands away from him, resting them on his shoulders, one leg wrapped around his as his fingers worked their magic. Her pain ebbed away, her eyes were closed and her head thrown back. He buried his face between her breasts and his stubble gave her goosebumps. She felt his thick arm tight against the front of her body, his palm rubbing slowly against her clit, his fingers dripping with her as he slithered them in and out of her folds.

                When she came, it was agonizing, and she couldn't get enough breath to even cry out in pain or pleasure. She bit the back of her fist, her body shuddering, and she was both glad and sorrowful when it ended, leaving her panting.

                "Are you alright?" came Erend's voice, sounding far away as he kissed her in the vicinity of her mouth, cradling her against him.

                "Yes," she breathed, because she was. Her ribs throbbed with pain, but the rest of her throbbed with heady satisfaction. She draped her arms over him with a groan, returning his kiss. "I want... you to finish," she breathed against his lips. She wanted to hear his voice get ragged and his breath catch.

                "Easy enough with you in my arms..." he told her softly. She could feel him moving slightly, his hand dropping to his length to finish what she'd started. Perhaps...

                She reached out to push his hand away, her first instinct to climb over his hips. But her ribs screamed at her the moment she tried to lift herself, and she knew there'd be no way. So she pressed herself flush against him, belly to belly, and with a gentle push of her hips she could feel his length sliding between her thighs, through the wetness there. He released a breath in a low hiss at the way she squeezed her legs around him, nestling him in the cleft of her pelvis. He was dragging slowly across her clit this way, making her feel electrified.

                Erend had no objection, and she gave a soft grunt as he gripped her behind, dragging her closer to him. It was a possessive, needy response she'd never experienced, and it made her blood tingle.

                He began to move against her, finding the pressure of her thighs far more tantalizing than her hand. He thrilled at the idea of being soaked in her juices, of the way she applied just a little pressure and it making his head spin. He wouldn't let her move the way she wanted, not with her injury, so he fucked her thighs slowly, sliding along her wet, smooth skin.

                She was thankful that her belly didn't seem to get in the way as he moved against her, knowing that if she was much bigger, it wouldn't work. She was far too engrossed in his movements to worry, however. She imagined him fucking her for real at this pace, the slow, languid push and pull of him within her. Could she do it? Could she feel that again, without once worrying if she would come out of it stained in blood? She wasn't sure. It didn't matter. All that mattered was the way Erend held her and moved against her, the brief whisper of her name on his lips as his hips rolled against her as if he was within her. The constant drag of him across her clit threatened to bring another painful, searing orgasm and she welcomed it, her wispy voice begging him to keep going.

                That voice slowly increased in pitch as he continued to move, his skin damp as he used her for his own pleasure, and when she came she clamped her thighs shut around him. He grunted harshly, shuddering at the pressure, and she could feel him spill himself across her thighs, where the both of them were slick and throbbing.

                They came down panting, Erend whispering a soft curse of surprise at the jolting of his nerves when she opened her legs, pulling back from him. He groaned as he shifted to the side of the bed to find something to clean up with, neither of them needed to talk in the next several moments.

                When he rejoined her in the bed and helped to clean her thighs, she watched him. The sun was just starting to come up, bathing the room in a faint grey glow, and she could finally see him naked. She knew the same applied to him, but wasn't worried, basking as she was in the glow he'd brought about in her.

                "You've had a lot of experience. I can't believe how you make me feel," she said thoughtfully as he returned to her side.

                "That's a loaded statement," he returned, yawning as he gathered her into his arms again. "What do I say to that?"

                She shrugged. "I'm glad one of us knows what they're doing," she admitted, and he laughed softly.

                "Could have fooled me."

                He didn't see her face fall just slightly as he closed his eyes, settling in. She wished she knew a lot less than what she did.

                She woke up late the next morning, resolving to try and make it to the Springs. Perhaps the hot water would help her bruises. She took what she dared of the pain numbing solution the physician had ordered her and slid out of bed, trying not to limp as she gathered her things.

                She was surprised to see items for a trip to the springs were already put together, awaiting her on the couch. She wondered when Erend had made the pack up for her, in the off chance she would want to go. She knew he would scold her for going alone, but she was a mess and needed the relaxation.

                Fortunately, the springs were much closer than she remembered and climbing was easier once she'd found a gnarled walking stick to lean on. The other bathers gasped and tried not to look at her battered body as she slid into the warm water until she was entirely submerged, lingering just long enough to run out of air and come up again to wash her hair. She'd been right: nothing soothes bruises quite like a hot bath.

                She was drowsing by the side of the pool when a shadow fell across her. She snapped her eyes open to reveal Blameless Marad standing over her, looking anxious. Startled, she folded her arms across herself and gaped up at him. "Marad! Wow.. didn't expect to see you here."

                The vizier only nodded, pulling off his small glasses as they fogged with steam. "I was hoping to catch you alone huntress. Please forgive the awkward location. Would you mind meeting with me a moment? I will wait for you over there."

                Aloy's blood ran cold as she quickly got herself out of the water, dressing as fast her pain would allow. Why would Marad be seeking her out. Had something happened to Erend?

                She was quickly squeezing the water out of her hair when she came up to Marad, who had in his hand a rolled piece of parchment. "What's happened?" she whispered, eyes wide.

                The vizier frowned. "I'm here without the knowledge of Avad or Erend. It pains me to do so, but it pains me more to know you've been kept ignorant of important matters." He handed her the scroll and she frowned as she opened it, reading slowly. It was from one of Marad's scouts, reporting on matters of the east. She glanced briefly at Marad before continuing.

                Her heart nearly stopped when she read the next few sentences, then she shoved the scroll back at the adviser. "I have to go," she said, her voice a squeak of terror. Helis's men were marching on the Nora homelands. They were defenseless and without warning. They'd be slaughtered.

                Blameless Marad help up a hand. "Aloy. I take no pleasure in suggesting otherwise, trust me. It took much to bring this information to you, it would mean my beheading if it meant you were injured or killed because I did so."

                She blinked, staring at him. "Avad knows," she breathed. "He didn't.... wait. _Erend_ knows?"

                Marad could only look away from her, his fingers fidgeting, and she knew the answer. Erend and Avad were conspiring to get her to stay still while the Nora were slaughtered. And not just by anyone.

                She felt her veins turn to ice. "Thank you for telling me, Marad. Better get back to the palace before someone finds you and this letter missing." She wasn't sure if she meant the threat in the sound of her voice, or if it was all she had to keep the tightening of her throat from choking her.

                She left, then, without looking back, headed for Olin's house. She wasn't sure what to believe. Sure, Erend worried about her a lot, but he'd never taken away her right to make her own decisions. In fact, neither had Avad. And yet the both of them would turn a blind eye to the suffering in the east just to keep her there? Keep her safe? How could they?

                She almost didn't feel the pain in her side by the time she reached Olin's house. It gave her the strength she needed to gather her things, leaving behind the fancy outfits Avad had purchased for her. She packed what she could for the long run, lamenting her spear. Her bow would be plenty weapon enough, she knew, and made sure she still had plenty of arrows for the trek. It would be a long one. Thankfully, she no longer needed her tea.

                By the time she fled Olin's house and went up past the guards and into the rocky crevaces and trees atop the mesa, she heard the shouting of vanguard behind her. Erend had caught on faster than she'd hoped. Quickly she doubled back, finding a different route before tucking herself away upon a shelf to watch as Erend and two of his Vanguardsmen jogged past, intent on the east. She smiled to herself somewhat wistfully. He should have known she would be harder to catch than that.

                She turned her feet north, intending to make a wide arc towards the east, staying off the beaten trails. Her legs and side were already achy from the sudden exercise after so long, but she'd push on. Every moment she wasted meant more Nora lives lost. If she could help it, the only life to be forfeit would be Helis's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to mightylauren for helping jog my memory about the canon events in game, since it's been a while since I've played.  
> Hope the intimate scene here isn't too convoluted to imagine. I mean I can do a rough sketch or something maybe... P:


	10. Questionable Loyalties

Aloy had no idea she’d saved so much time riding a Strider, finding that she had barely made it to Lone Light before the darkness fell. She had expected to be moving much faster, even in her physical state. The pregnancy wasn’t slowing her down as much as her lack of recent exercise, causing her body to change in ways she’d not expected, making her weaker and achy.

She was glad to make camp, tucked away from the eyes of the Carja guards at Lone Light, not about to let them report that she had passed by and when. She wondered if Erend was already there, no doubt having traveled more quickly with his direct route. The thought that he had kept the news that Helis was marching on the Nora Lands from her made her sick to her stomach. The last thing she wanted to do right now was run into him and have him ply her with that face and those eyes and she would believe anything he said after that.

The next morning, she made it past Lone Light without incident, scaling a near sheer rock face near the pass that would be inaccessible to most. Not to her. It wasn’t much worse than a brave path, and even with her extra weight and lax health, she made it rather easily.

A Snapmaw was waiting for her when she reached the top. She couldn’t remember running faster, her heart leaping into her throat as the beast crashed through the pines after her, shattering the wood like glass. She didn’t dare fight it, not with how she was still healing, and when she finally saw a stand of spruce thick enough for her to duck into, she did so, sprawling to her side in the cold, high grass in hopes that she had gone missing from the machine’s optics. She held her breath as the thing ambled close, its running lights yellow as it scrounged around, looking for her. At one point, its clawed foot pressed down the grass only a foot from her face, but she didn’t break. She closed her eyes, held her breath, and after a few tense moments, it was over. She stayed where she was until the Snapmaw gave up completely. It was over the horizon when she could finally steady her breathing.

She’d almost forgotten what it was like out here. She’d forgotten to watch her back, check the shadows, and expect violence at every turn. Was she the one being a fool to come out here, now, after everything she’d been through and at such expense?

No. She would in no way be able to live with herself if she sat and did _nothing_ while Helis massacred the Nora. She wasn’t going to let that happen.

Even if she had to see him again, she would kill him.

 

                It was dark on the second day when she ran into the first scouts of the bandit camp. She picked them off easily, following their trail back to the small camp that she probably could have found by smell alone. She would have much rather skipped over the lot of them, but there weren’t many, and they likely had supplies she would be grateful for later. And so she took her time.

                Something didn’t add up, however. The camp was much too big for the few bodies that were left when she came through, their stores already depleted. It was a skeleton crew, those for whatever reason had chosen to stay and defend their putrid camp. She was almost suspicious, until she saw a swatch of red-orange. Plucking it up, she recognized instantly the material the Vanguard used for their scarves. Erend and his men had already been through. Did he often bother with bandits? Not usually, unless…

                Did they worry she would be captured by one of the camps? Aloy snorted in spite of herself, rescuing an arrow that was still in good shape from the chest of a downed foe, and checking him for shards. They should have more faith in her. She wasn’t even breathing hard.

                She found dinner waiting for her, and fell upon it with glee, grateful she didn’t have to do the cooking. Morbidly, she thanked the dead bandits for their hard-gotten meal, assuring them that it was delicious. When she was ready to go, she hefted her pack and once more began her journey East.

 

                It wasn’t long before she could see the blood trails. Instantly, she thought back to the bandit camp, wondering if perhaps some had escaped her raid or perhaps the Vanguard’s visit. She knelt, inspecting the blood… it was older, not from that morning. What if it wasn’t a bandit at all, but one of the Vanguard? Surely if one of them was injured they’d be heading back west, towards Lone Light? They would need help.  They wouldn’t press on.

                Not unless it was Erend. She cursed under her breath. He _would_ press on, looking for her, injured or not. The stubborn ox.  He was ruining everything.

                She found herself quickening her pace, worry that she’d never experienced before  tugging at her mind. From the looks of things, Erend didn’t have enough men with him to face any of Helis’s men. The Eclipse were hard enough, but Shadow Carja, especially the elite, were something else altogether. Even if Erend wasn’t hurt, he didn’t have enough men with him to stand a chance.

                She traveled quickly, even as the sun dipped below the horizon and the darkness swallowed up the trail. It didn’t matter; she knew where they were going.

                When she finally saw the twinkling of firelight in the trees, she felt both relieved and angry. She would have to confront him now, and somehow convince him to take his men back to Meridian, for medical attention. She knew a fight was before her, one she was ill-prepared for and inexperienced in, and so she hesitated. Her steps slowed.

                What if she didn’t confront them? What if she met with one of the scouts instead, gave him an order to bring their Captain back to Meridian? That their quest to bring her back would never succeed because she was going forward and they were going home. But at least they no longer had to look for her.

                She considered this as she came closer to the firelight, and then stepped out onto the trail in complete view. It was getting dark, but any scout could see her in the middle of the path, should they be looking. She peered about at the trees then continued to walk a beeline for the fire.

                Nothing.

                Despite with the name implied, Vanguard were shitty lookouts. She stalked right into the clearing, shoving away a branch and opening her mouth to voice her anger at such gross negligence.

                There was one tent. One fire. One man.

                She gaped as Erend threw aside something and hefted his hammer. For a long time, they blinked at eachother in the darkness, and he slumped with a sigh. “Aloy.”

                “You are _ALONE_?” She wanted to slap him. She wanted to hit him so hard it would put him out of his misery. “Are you ill in the head?” She demanded, her fist clenching as if she could feel them clenching on the front of his shirt. “A bandit camp _by yourself_? Let me guess, were you going to ask the Shadow Carja nicely to pack up and fuck off back to Sunfall?” She found her voice was getting shrill as Erend sat back down next to the fire, picking up where he’d left off of packing a wound.

                “Good to see you too.”

                She threw herself to kneel at his side, shoving his hands away angrily as she inspects the wound she’d been following for most of the day. It was a stab wound, in and out, right between the seam of armor. Perhaps having nicked an artery that had created the trail she thought could have belonged to a stuck pig. “You’re an idiot!” she hissed, angry that she felt her eyes were stinging with tears. She wasn’t prepared for this, for seeing him alone and injured, all for her. “What were you thinking?”

                “The same thing you were,” he said, reluctantly letting her probe his side. “Unless you’ve got company I didn’t count on.”

                She shot him a glare. That wasn’t the same thing. She was used to being alone, where she only had to worry about herself. She couldn’t afford to be worried about _him_ too. “I am fine. I can take care of myself, you should know that. You didn’t need to be worried about me,” she snapped as she finished packing the slice in his flesh, ignoring how hot his skin felt beneath her fingers. Good. Maybe a fever would teach him a lesson.

                “Not just you,” came his voice from above her, monotone and soft, but it sent ice through her veins. She sat back, looking up at him, and he offered her a resigned smile. “I promised you wouldn’t have to go through any of this alone,” he reminded her. “Remember? I made a promise to you and to her.” He gestured to Aloy’s abdomen.

                She swallowed hard, resting a hand there. “Her?” she choked out.

                “Or him. Either way I just hope it takes after you.”

                She was so tired of crying because of him. He seemed to draw the tears out of her, as if with a look he could break down her walls and invite himself in for dinner. She wasn’t going to let it happen this time, tearing her gaze away from him while she checked her pack for some herbs. She already had a mixture made up and forced it into his hands. “We’ll talk about this in the morning,” she stated with a growl.

                He raised a brow, tilting his head at her. “You’re going to stay?”

                She brandished her hands in a helpless gesture. “You’re an idiot, injured, _and_ alone. You might as well be drunk while you’re at it. Anything else you’d like to add?”

                He winced then, but not because of his wound. “Low, Aloy,” he said quietly, but then she was draping her arms around his shoulders and burying her face in his neck.

                They talked very little for the rest of the night. Aloy could tell Erend was trying to hide the fact that he was really hurting, even going about trying to make a soup over the fire for dinner. She shoved him out of the way harder than she’d meant to, taking over the cooking, adding some more herbs to the water that she knew would help his pain.

                She was still furious at him, but being alone with him out in the peaceful night was beginning to affect her in the way she’d always hoped it would. It was peaceful, quiet, far away from the chaos that was Meridian. If it weren’t for the looming prospect of Helis’s army advancing on the Nora, and the pale pallor of Erend’s skin in the firelight, she would have been perfectly happy. It was almost romantic.

                She felt her temper break enough to speak. “Why did you keep it a secret?” She tried to keep the fury from her voice.

                Erend seemed to perk up at the concept of her once more speaking to him, having fallen into a half doze where he sat leaned against a tree, hugging himself in the cool air. “About Helis? It was a no-brainer, Aloy. We couldn’t let you face him again after all that’s happened to you. We had scouts out telling us all sorts of information, but once we pinpointed his location we were going to crush him before he ever reached the Nora Lands.”

                Aloy scowled. “And just when were you planning on doing that? After he’d already decimated the Embrace? He could be there as we speak.”

                Erend shook his head. “That’s the thing,” he told her, unfolding from where he sat to join her next to the fire, wincing as he sat back down. “We don’t think he’s headed there at all. There’ve not been any reports from the villagers about an army, machine or otherwise. If there’s a march, Avad often hears about it from the farmers whose crops are ruined, the travelers who have come across them and escaped, or seen evidence a large party’s moved through. So far, it’s just been the scouts. Something’s fishy about our intel.”             

                Aloy felt her anger seeping away like spilled milk. “But… Marad…” Then she suddenly realized what she’d done, slapping a hand over her mouth.

                Erend raised a brow. “Blameless Marad told you about all this?” He stroked his sideburns, thinking. “He controls the scouts… it makes sense that he would have all the information. But that he’d go over Avad’s head to get to you is surprising. He’s never done such a thing.”

                Aloy stared into the fire for a long time before tugging the soup off of the heat, pulling on her leather gloves to pour it into the cups they had. “You think Marad’s… one of Helis’s men?” she asked, voice tinged with disbelief.

                Erend held up his hand. “Ahhh! Easy there.”

                She scowled at him. “Is it so hard to believe? I mean, he served Avad’s father, didn’t he?” She curled up on the ground next to Erend, handing over his bowl of soup. “Drink this. It’s onion. It’ll tell me if your gut’s been pierced.”

                Erend blinked at her in a little shock, having not considered he might be that badly injured. He takes another look at his side, then obediently starts sipping at the soup. “It’s good,” he admits.

                Aloy set her soup aside to cool, crossing her arms over her knees, still angry with him. But it wasn’t helping their situation at all: he was still there, hurt, and what was done is done. “If Marad is working with the enemy… and he wanted me to go out after an imaginary army…”

                “Another reason why I didn’t bring my men with me,” Erend told her, drinking more of the onion. “I didn’t want to leave Meridian unguarded. When Marad reported to us that you’d gone, he seemed a little too eager to have me call my men together and head after you…”

                “… and the city would be without both me and the Vanguard.” Aloy shook her head slowly. She’d believed Marad, a near stranger, over the judgements of people she should have considered her friends. _She_ was the idiot. “Erend… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have doubted you.”

                “Well,” he said after a while. “I always found it hard to trust someone named ‘Blameless’.”

                They both had a chuckle, Erend wincing only slightly, and sat together to watch the fire. After a few moments, Aloy suddenly turned towards Erend, carefully pushing him down to his back. He looked at her, wide-eyed in the firelight, his lips parting in surprise.

                “Aloy?” He asked, but she was always sinking down over him, and he took in a deep breath as he felt a sudden flash of heat in his blood. “What…?”

                “Sh,” she said, her hand on his chest as she leaned down over his ribs. She was sniffing. He laid there for what seemed like hours, but couldn’t have been more than a few seconds, stock still and wide-eyed. Then she slumped against him in relief. “No scent. Your wound isn’t as deep as I’d thought.”

                Erend finally released his breath. “Oh. Right. The onion,” he managed a tight chuckle. He shifted slightly to put his arms around her, glad to have an excuse, but then she was slipping away from him and he slowly lifted himself to his elbows.

                “We should sleep,” she said, going to finish her own soup. “In the morning we need to head back to Meridian and question Marad. We’ll take a northern route, see for ourselves if there’s any evidence of a traveling army. _Just_ to make sure.”

                He knew she was right, and he sighs as he moves to unpack the bedroll, setting it up inside the tent. “Do you have a roll? The tent’s big enough for the two of us I think.”

                Aloy shook her head, not looking at him. “I don’t usually use one,” she admits. “Though I will say that it’s been nice having a bed in Meridian. I think it’s spoiled me.”

                Erend sighed. “That will happen. You’ll sleep with me then. It won’t be anything new to us.”

                Aloy didn’t speak again until after they had the fire banked and the bedroll set up. With the light gone, the night was like thick pitch until Erend struck a candle, ducking into the tent.

                Aloy took a deep breath and followed him in. She wasn’t sure as to where her trepidation was coming from. Erend was right, they’d been spending plenty of time together, and not just sleeping. Just the night before last, they were tangled naked in eachothers arms and legs, a memory that made her cheeks burn. And now the thought of sharing a bed with him made her shy.

                Erend didn’t seem to have the same qualms. Setting aside the candle, he went about what she assumed is his daily routine of taking off his heavier leather armor and setting it aside. He kicked off his boots and tucked himself into his bedroll, looking expectantly at her in order to blow out the candle.

                She took a deep breath, removing the heavier of her gear before joining him, and once she is under the blanket he held up for her, the light went out. She almost gasped at the sudden, heavy darkness. She’d never seen a night so black.

                He had to face her to keep from laying on his injured side, but he didn’t embrace her. His head rested on his tucked arm in order to give her the pillow, and she rested on it staring face up into the blackness, into nothingness, sure that she couldn’t tell the difference between her eyes open or closed.

                Soon, exhaustion and pain saw Erend into a deep sleep, helped along by some of the herbs she’d added to his soup. Gingerly, Aloy took his arm and pulled it towards her, resting his hand on her belly, where the warmth of his touch seemed to seep through her body.

                She had doubted him after everything he’d done for her, how open he’d been with her, and how he had done everything in his power to help her and protect her. Was that such an obscure concept? She was safe with him, probably safer than she’d ever been in her life, and she was overthinking everything.

                She took a deep breath in the darkness, then chewed her lip. Maybe she was ready for this, finally. “Erend…” she whispered softly, turning to face him in the dark. He didn’t answer, his steady breathing laced with the tiniest of groans. He was hurting. This was a bad time.

                Aloy turned towards him in the darkness and tucked against him, closing her eyes. She resolved to speak with him in the morning. But for now, she just wanted to sleep knowing everything might actually be alright.

 

                When she woke several hours later, it’d gotten colder. She found out why when she reached for Erend, only finding him gone, the space he’d occupied still warm from his presence. He must have gone outside for a drink, or to relieve himself. She chewed her lip again, feeling the warmth in her belly that had blossomed when she remembered her decision.

                She was in love with Erend. And she would show him just how much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the break, everyone! School, work, externship, Destiny 2, Guildwars 2, Frozen Wilds...etc...


	11. The Waking Nightmare

For a long time, she rested in the darkness, listening to the sound of her own breathing. She couldn’t hear Erend outside, and for the longest time hoped he was alright. When she did hear movement, she settled in relief. He was just going through their things, probably attempting to find something to ease his pain. She smiled gently to herself, willing him to find something soon, something strong. 

In the darkness, beneath the furs, she began to remove her clothes. Her fingers worked with utmost confidence in her newfound assuredness, and soon her tunic and leggings were folded nearby, as best she could in the dark. She considered lighting the candle, but when she reached for it, there was no familiar shape to meet her fingers. Of course, he would have taken it with him to go outside. And so she waited, alone with her own soft breathing and heartbeat in her ears, aching for Erend to return to the tent. 

When she heard the tent flap open, she was surprised that the darkness continued, as if his eyes were so adjusted that he could make out everything before him. She sat up, gulping back her trepidation, attempting to keep her hand from shaking as she reached out to him. “Erend.” Her soft whisper of his name was injected with her confidence, her request, and her fingers brushed his own calloused, warm hand. She drew it towards her, resting it on her breast over where the furs had drooped around her middle. She gave a little gasp of surprise as his fingers pinched almost harshly, squeezing his hand in a gentle warning. 

She heard armor shifting as Erend entered the tent and pulled the flap closed. He had heard something in the darkness and donned his armor, alone, to see what it was. The thought touched her, that he would see to it she slept while he faced danger despite his injury. She bit her lip, hoping her gesture had conveyed what she needed it to, but it was so dark. She couldn’t even make out his outline let alone his expression. 

So she took a soft breath, hugging his hand to her chest. “Erend… I’m ready. I want you. Please.”

She held that breath, awaiting his response as he seemed to still. And then his hand is slipping from hers, hard, calloused fingers dragging down over her belly, suddenly delving between her legs. She gasped at his suddenness, falling back on her hands, opening her legs for him more readily than she’d meant to. After all, she did want this, didn’t she?

His touch was rough and insistent, much different than the ones he’d used before. She found she enjoyed it, finally tapping into the part of Erend who was impatient for her, who wanted to claim her for himself, the more primal aspect brought about by pain and potion and her open invitation. She wished so badly to see his face, but when he thrust his thick finger into her, she found her own eyes closing with her little whine of surprise. He was being so rough, it nearly hurt.

“Erend,” she cried in a mixture of pain and pleasure, not sure if she wanted him to stop, so when he pulled his fingers from her, she let out a cry of disappointment. His hands are on her again, rough and strong and dominant, but as they slid over the bulge of her belly they suddenly slowed, as if reminded of her tender state. She closed her hands over his own, assuring him that she was fine. This seemed to encourage him, because the next thing she knows, his grip on her relinquishes and she hears the shifting of armor as he fumbles with it. She reaches to help him, but he pushes her hands away, and the next thing she knows, he’s urging her to turn over. 

She hesitated, surprised at his lust, the lack of his need to kiss her as she wants to kiss him. Had she done this to him? Made him so hungry that he would take her like this the moment she relents? He tugged her insistently onto her hands and knees, forcing her to make a little sound of objection, but then his hands were on her again and she can  _ feel _ him behind her, and suddenly a hot sensation rolls through her at the concept of what they are doing. It’s what she wanted. Finally. 

His fingers came first, again, as if to test her, but they found her more than willing. She knew how thick his fingers were, calloused and harsh, but it didn’t stop her from gasping in surprise as he sank two of them into her from behind. She squirmed back against his hand without entirely meaning to, as if asking for more, tired of the dance they’ve performed so many times already. She wanted  _ him _ now. “Fuck me,” she commanded him, before she lost her nerve. “Erend, I want to. Please.”

His hand stilled behind her, and she wondered if she’s shocked him into backing out. She had the frightening realisation that perhaps she was becoming too needy, and it was a turnoff for him. She whined softly, her cheek pressed into the pillow, anxiously awaiting his next move.

Her body flushed with heat as he dragged his touch from her, hearing him move behind her, and it was suddenly something else altogether that bumped against her folds. She squeezed her eyes shut in bliss. It was finally happening. 

A part of her was sorrowful that Erend didn’t strip himself of armor. It made their union almost impersonal, a barrier between them she can feel as he entered her slowly from behind, stretching her deliciously, far more than his fingers had. She let out a little sound of relief to feel him, finally, within her, so smooth and warm and thick, filling her completely until her backside settled against the leather he wore, tugged open just enough to free his length. Another part of her thrilled at the suddenness of it all. They’d spent plenty of time tangled naked together, the change was refreshing and primal. And it’s not like they couldn’t do it again.

She searched for the twinge of fear she had been expecting, fear of feeling this again despite the last time being almost a faint memory. Had it felt this good? She wasn’t certain. Certainly not when she wanted it now, certainly not with Erend, whose body flexed behind her, digging a little deeper, before he withdrew slowly with a hiss of pleasure. She gasped at the sensation of losing that full feeling, bumping her hips back against his insistently, and from there the slow rhythm started between the two of them, his hands bruising her hips and her face in the pillow. She didn’t care. She lost herself to the sensations, letting him push and pull at his own pace, thrilling in giving him what she knows he’s wanted for so long. She rocked back against him when he pauses from time to time, as if to gather his wits, attempting to keep them shattered. She didn’t want him to be gentle. She wanted him to do everything he’s wanted to.

She whined out his name again, a little girlish sound she hadn’t expected to come from her. Her thighs opened a little farther, welcoming him deeper with every thrust, their bodies making soft, muffled sounds as she bumped back against his leathers. As if in afterthought, she arched her back, her hand delving down between her own thighs, teasing herself as he pumped into her with powerful movements. Even the way her body rocked with the force of him felt good, even though she missed his sounds, the look on his face as she gave him pleasure. Next time, she promised herself. For now, they were using eachother, and from the hungry way he pushed against her, she can tell he is enjoying it as much as she was.

Then his hips shifted, and she cried out as he strummed a nerve deep inside of her that she’s not sure she had felt before. Her eyes snapped wide in the darkness and she cried out with sudden ecstasy. “Oh Goddess… there…” she gasped, voice muffled by the pillow. She arched her back as she felt Erend’s hands close on her hips, holding her steady as he grpund into that place for her, making her lightheaded. She moaned again, breathless and heartfelt, and her fingers continued against her clit almost desperately. She could feel her own juices slipping over her fingers, dripping from where he impaled her, over and over, the darkness swallowing up the clouds of her breath just as her body swallowed up his throbbing length. 

It’s not long before the combination of pressures sets alight the embers in her belly and she was bucking back against him with abandon, each movement inciting a breathy moan from her. Those moans slowly began to turn from wordless sounds to a soft chanting of his name. She can feel him grab at a handful of her hair, arching her neck back as he ground deep, and suddenly she is climaxing around him with a breathless, soundless cry, her whole body tensing and pulsing around him as he rode her through it, his own breathing becoming ragged.

She writhed beneath his bruising work, her nerves electrified as she felt him reaching his limit, his hand still tangled in her hair as he worked towards his finish. She encouraged him as she came down, only slightly disappointed that his orgasm was as silent as it was strong. She reveled in the fact that she had stolen his voice from him, licking her lips with bliss as she felt his warmth seep through her.

All too soon, he was dragging himself from her, his fist still in her hair. She cried out in objection, squirming, confused and dazed. “Erend,” she pleaded softly, her breath coming in soft pants. “Not so…”

There was a strange sound from outside, and suddenly the clearing was filled with torchlight. 

She squinted, her pupils contracting painfully, her hand going to Erend’s as he fisted her hair, dragging her roughly up. She crieD out again, gasping with surprise and pain. 

Only it wasn’t Erend’s hand at all. Grey eyes she had only seen in her nightmares bore down at her as Helis adjusted his clothes, panting with his recent release, his teeth bared in a smirk of enjoyment as he looked her over.

“I see your body remembers me,” came his taunting, low voice, and he laughed.

She screamed. This was a nightmare, and she fought to break free of it. She lashesd out with a leg, kicking at him, but he wrenched at her hair and dragged her forward as he tore open the tent flap, pulling her out into the frozen night.

They were not alone. The clearing was dotted with Eclipse soldiers, all circled around the tent, watching, grinning wickedly at her bare skin, like a pack of vultures. She twisted in Helis’s grip, screaming and cursing like a caught animal as he dragged her towards the center of the clearing, and one one of the Eclipse steps forward with some sort of tool, setting it into Helis’s palm.

“Erend!” Aloy screamed, and the Eclipse laughed, parting slightly to show her a slumped form, bound and gagged. It was him, watching her, his brows pinched over the pain in his eyes. He’d heard the whole thing, she realised, turning red with fury and fear, her eyes blazing up to Helis. She cried out, launching herself at him, just as the sharpened point of the tool he had sank into her neck. Suddenly she felt every muscle in her body go slack and she crumpled to the ground, curled protectively around her own belly, hugging herself. She shivered in the cold, unable to move, as Helis loomed over her.

“Don’t worry,” his tauntingly gentle voice assured her, the little, wicked smile never leaving his lips. “He will be well rewarded for seeing you cared for in my absence.” 

She screamed internally, unable to move, her whole body shivering. Helis bent to scoop her into his arms and she wanted to thrash, dig with her nails, kick and shove and bite, but she could only stare wide-eyed and helpless.

Helis and a few of his closer guards turned to step away from the clearing with her, when he paused as if in thought. Turning, he nodded to the other Eclipse around Erend. “You heard me. Reward him.” 

Aloy could only watch, her heart racing with panic, as the Eclipse shoved Erend to the ground and thrust their torch against his wound. She could hear his muffled screaming long into the night as Helis loaded her into the back of a wagon, binding her hands and ankles before tucking a fur almost tenderly around her. “Don’t worry, little huntress,” he promised with one last smile. “We’re going home, where it’s warm.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry.  
> 


End file.
